Christmas Humor

[bubblegum]

Hope everyone enjoys the following Christmas humor.   ;D

Bubba Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and is insured by Smith and Wesson.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

The Redneck Night Before Christmas

It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park
Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,
In hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was alseep in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies, and RC's.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap
Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fourtune and a nap.

Then out in the vacent lot I heard such a commotion
I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen and hollered for Blue.

The moon was shinin' down on my old wrecked cars
So bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe my own hardworking eyes
When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky!

Faster'n Ole Ironhead hs possums they came
And he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name
Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!

To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed!
Now move it! Step on it! Y'all get out the lead!
You know how, on our road, when a car goes by,
There's all this dirt flies up into the sky?

That's how this crew went staight on up to my roof
With that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in I heard up on the tin
The scrabbling around of them Flying possums of his'n.

I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts...
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet
And I had to give him credit he still had most his teeth.

Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back-
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
His eye took in our humble home
The furniture we bought on layaway in town...

Earline's pride, that Elvis on velvet...
My collections of barbed wire... and license plates made by relatives.
I coulda' swore I even saw a glistening tear
When his eye fell on sweet Earlene, a snorin'in her chair.

He kindly favored Hank, Jr., with a big round belly
That shook when he laughed like a blob of K-Y jelly.
Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out our whole Large screen TV,
And I had to laugh when I saw him, 'cause he looked just like me!

When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he'd treat us right-
Why, he might even leave me some ammo tonight!
I stood there dreamin' of whitetail while I watched him work,
Then he stopped and, like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
Then squoze up that dryer vent like spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn...I'm not lying'!
And they took off like white lightnin' with their possum tails flyin'.

But I heard him holler as headed for the 7-11....
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND MAY ALL REDNECKS GO TO HEAVEN!"

Top Reindeer Games

Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter
Spin the Salt Lick
Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
Elf Tossing

[Madonna]

Cute. ::)