The Onion

[SI]

For anyone that's unfamiliar with it, The Onion is a brutally hilarious spoof of the news.  Think of it along the lines of The Daily Show, but in print.  It started off as a college gag, and is now raging across all university towns & the Internet.  Their website is

http://www.theonion.com

Here's a sampling of a couple of stories that had me cracking up today:

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Barry Bonds: 'I Won't Retire Until I've Tarnished Every Record In The Book'

March 2, 2006 | Onion Sports

SAN FRANCISCO—Giants slugger Barry Bonds, who recently announced that he might retire after the 2006 season, reconsidered that decision Wednesday, saying there are still a lot of things in the sport that he hasn't yet had the chance to ruin. "Most guys my age would be perfectly happy to retire having sullied the single-season home-run record, but I still have so much left to cheapen—the career home-run title, the 56-game hit streak, the on-base-percentage record, and so on," Bonds wrote in a post on his website. "Sure, the fans revile me now, but the only way to ensure they will still hate me when I'm dead and gone is by systematically destroying and dishonoring every record that they hold dear, even if it means playing until I'm 59 and becoming the oldest person ever to play the sport. When my kids look at the record books years from now, I want them to see their daddy's name at the top of every category, right next to an asterisk." Bonds added, however, that he would trade in all of those records for just one personal world championship that he didn't have to share with any teammates or organization.

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(Unfortunately, the image keeps shrinking.  Here's a link to it: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45904)

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Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness

February 27, 2006 | Issue 42•09

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference on the steps of the Capitol Monday, Congressional Democrats announced that, despite the scandals plaguing the Republican Party and widespread calls for change in Washington, their party will remain true to its hopeless direction.

"We are entirely capable of bungling this opportunity to regain control of the House and Senate and the trust of the American people," Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said to scattered applause. "It will take some doing, but we're in this for the long and pointless haul."

"We can lose this," Reid added. "All it takes is a little lack of backbone."

Despite plummeting poll numbers for the G.O.P nationwide and an upcoming election in which all House seats and 33 Senate seats are up for contention, Democrats pledged to maintain their party's sheepish resignation.

"In times like these, when the American public is palpably dismayed with the political status quo, it is crucial that Democrats remain unfocused and defer to the larger, smarter, and better-equipped Republican machine," House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said. "If we play our cards right, we will be intimidated to the point of total paralysis."

Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT) cited the Bush Administration's bungled response to Hurricane Katrina as a model for Democrats.

"Grandmothers drowning in nursing homes, families losing everything, communities torn apart—and the ruling party just sat and watched," Lieberman said. "I'm here to promise that we Democrats will find a way to let you down just like that."

According to Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA), Democrats are not willing to sacrifice their core values—indecision, incoherence, and disorganization—for the sake of short-term electoral gain.

"Don't lose faithlessness, Democrats," Kennedy said. "The next election is ours to lose. To those who say we can't, I say: Remember Michael Dukakis. Remember Al Gore. Remember John Kerry."

Kennedy said that, even if the Democrats were to regain the upper hand in the midterm elections, they would still need to agree on a platform and chart a legislative agenda—an obstacle he called "insurmountable."

"Universal health care, the war in Iraq, civil liberties, a living wage, gun control—we're not even close to a consensus within our own ranks," Kennedy said. "And even if we were, we wouldn't know how to implement that consensus."
Enlarge ImageDemocrats image

"Some rising stars with leadership potential like [Sen. Barack] Obama (D-IL) and [New York State Attorney General Eliot] Spitzer have emerged, but don't worry: We've still got some infight left in us," Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean said. "Over the last decade, we've found a reliably losing formula, and we're sticking with it."

Dean reminded Democratic candidates to "stay on our unclear message, maintain a defensive, reactive posture, and keep an elitist distance from voters."

Political consultant and Democratic operative James Carville said that, if properly disseminated, the message of hopelessness could be the Democrats' most effective in more than a decade.

"For the first time in a long time, we're really connecting with the American people, who are also feeling hopeless," Carville said. "If we can harness that and run on it in '06, I believe we can finish a strong second."

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Sean Penn Demands To Know What A**hole Took SeanPenn@ gmail.com

January 17, 2006 | Issue 42•03

LOS ANGELES—In an impassioned 1,900-word open letter published in Monday's Washington Post, actor-director Sean Penn urged the unknown person who registered the e-mail address SeanPenn@gmail.com to "come forward immediately, rather than wallowing in the shame and ignominy of fraud."

The paid full-page advertisement, addressed to "a certain inconsiderate a**hole," continued: "Every American—indeed, every human being, regardless of nationality—deserves to be rightfully and accurately represented on the World Wide Web—the communication gateway into the next century and beyond—without having to resort to nonsensical aliases with random strings of numbers tacked onto the end. In an era of global wireless technology, our very identities are at stake. It's highly unethical at best, criminal at worst, for others to wantonly abscond with them."

Penn recounted in the letter how he had waited for an invitation to Google's e-mail service for a year and a half before receiving one earlier this month. According to Penn, when he tried to establish an account, he received a message indicating that his desired user name, SeanPenn, had already been registered.

"Sir or madam, if only you could have seen the anger and revulsion that washed over my face as I found that SeanPenn@gmail.com, Penn@gmail.com, SPenn@gmail.com, Penn.Sean@gmail.com, and SeanPennRules@gmail.com had all been taken," Penn's letter read. "If only you could have felt my heart leap to my throat upon realizing that Seanpenn@gmail.com would not work either, as Gmail addresses are not case-senstitive. If only you could have heard my cry of anguish when, in a last, desperate move, I typed in Spicoli@gmail.com, only to be rejected once more and finally forced to accept the abomination that is Sean.Penn20061@gmail.com."

Continued Penn, "It's a sad, sad day for the individual's right to self-determination and self-expression, let alone for the movie directors, journalists, and diplomats who will not be able to easily remember—or even recognize—my e-mail address."

Penn said he also tried SeanPenn81760@gmail.com, ShawnPenn@gmail.com, and SeanPennActor@gmail.com.

This was not the first time Penn has expressed anger over the difficulty of obtaining a Sean Penn-specific e-mail address. He made headlines last year when he refused to appear on the set of Columbia Pictures' All The King's Men for two days after he learned that SPenn@sonypictures.com had been taken by video assist operator Steve Penn.

Penn admitted that the painful experience of not being able to communicate freely through e-mail had its upside.

"Oh, certainly, I identify more strongly with the poor, war-battered youth of the Middle East."

Penn ended his statement by reiterating his demand that the SeanPenn user-name holder reveal his identity, assuring him that he will not retaliate with punitive measures or even ask that the e-mail address be relinquished. Instead, Penn invited the perpetrator to accompany him to Iraq, to "learn a hard, real-life lesson about the devastation wreaked by false pretense, gross injustice, and misapplication of power."

[foxx]

LOL...thanks DJ...

My sister in law lives in Chicago (where the onion is based out of) and every year for Christmas, we get a subscription.  It rocks!

[SI]

World Leaders Urge Condoleezza Rice To Take NFL Commissioner's Job

March 23, 2006 | Onion Sports

WASHINGTON, DC—With longtime NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue recently announcing that he will retire in July, political leaders across the globe have taken an uncharacteristic interest in the sport of football, urging one potential candidate—U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice—to accept the high-profile position.

"I have had the...singular...experience of working with Ms. Rice on more than one occasion, and believe she is perfectly suited for this position," said British Prime Minister Tony Blair, one of many prominent political figures who held an impromptu press conference upon hearing that Rice, a longtime football fan, had expressed interest in eventually becoming commissioner. "Although I am in fact ignorant of the particulars of American-style football, I am sure its sporting league is one that Condoleezza is perfectly capable of managing."

Rice had publicly commented several times on her ambition to become commissioner, most notably in a televised interview during the Super Bowl XL pregame show. However, international interest in installing Rice in the position, while always high, peaked last week with the news of Tagliabue's impending retirement.

"We live in uncertain and chaotic times, and America never needed Condoleezza Rice more," Pakistani Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz said in an international radio address Tuesday. "With radicals in the NFL Player's Association demanding a new collective-bargaining agreement, and instability threatening the very revenue-sharing structure that professional football was built upon, she is clearly a stabilizing figure who must help unify this sport."

Aziz was then called away to deal with escalating nuclear proliferation in the Kashmir region, during which he repeated through his aides that Rice's leadership and diplomacy was desperately needed in professional football.

"Secretary of State Rice owes it to the world to take this bold step forward in her career," said Sonia Gandhi, the president of India's National Congress Party and the widow of former Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi. "If she was named commissioner of what I understand is America's favorite sport, it would not just be a great moment for America, but a great moment for women in politics worldwide."

"Ms. Rice would finally be in a position where she could positively impact the lives of millions of Americans," Gandhi added.

Support for Rice's appointment to the NFL commissioner post has poured in to the State Department from prominent statesmen worldwide, including several letters of recommendation from UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan, who has worked closely with Rice since she took over the State Department from Colin Powell; a televised message from Afghan President Hamid Karzai, who has dealt with the U.S. primarily through Rice since his election; affirmations from almost every diplomat Rice met during her recent 10-day trip through Chile, Australia, Samoa, and Indonesia; and a letter co-written and signed by both acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Mahmoud Abbas, prime minister-designate of Palestine.

Although the State Department has not yet officially responded to the overwhelming outpouring of support for Secretary Rice's career change, Rice issued a short, tersely worded statement formally thanking the over 85 diplomats, heads of state, and religious leaders who spoke in her favor on the issue.

In a press conference late Tuesday, however, President Bush announced that he is strongly against Rice leaving her current post, saying that she is a valued Cabinet member who excels at her position, and that "if anyone from this administration should get that job, it should be me."

[pogo_gamer]

Wow

[kandykitty20012]

Different