No Farting Homer!!

[Libra]

Don't Fart In Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."  :)) :)) :)) :))

Lib

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) :)) :)) <3 that one

[Homer]

Ever hear of a "Dutch Oven"?  :P :))

[Bree]

 :)) :)) :)) best one yet..... :))

[nanners]

Are we back to cabbage and panties again??  ???

[Libra]

:)) :)) :)) :)) <3 that one

Well, I'm at the office, and we had a few clients milling around when I read that... You should have heard the noises come out of me as I was trying to suppress my laughter.  I sounded like Siamese twin elephants, connected at the trunk....  :o

Lib

[Bree]

[nanners]

Love that one... :))

[Bree]

FLYING FRUIT

There are three guys on a plane, George, Bill, and Bob.

Bored, George blurts out, "I want to see an apple fly," so he throws one out the window and it flew.

A while later Bill says, "I want to see an orange fly," so he throws one out the window and it flew.

A little while longer, Bob says, "Well, I want to see a grenade fly," so he throws one out the window and it flew.

The plane lands and the three guys are walking down a market street when they come across an old woman crying

and rubbing her head.

"What's the matter?" they ask her.

"I was sitting here tending to my shop when an apple flew from the sky and hit me on the head."

A bit embarrassed, they continue walking down the street.

A while later they come across a man crying and cursing at the sky.

"What's the matter?" they ask him.

"I was sitting here minding my own business when an orange came out of the sky and hit me on the head."

A bit concerned, they continue down the road until they come across a little boy laughing very hard.

"What's so funny?" they ask the little boy.

The little boy leans in close and whispers, "I farted, and the house behind me blew up."

[nightperson]

the little  >:D  but have to  <3 the jokes :)) :))

[Libra]

the little  >:D  but have to  <3 the jokes :)) :))

:)) :)) :)) I thought life was going to go back to normal after I my old sn back!!  :o  :)) :)) :))

I have a feeling that we on this forum could tell fart jokes till the cows come home!

Oh well:

A LITTLE CULTURE

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,". :o

Lib

[Tara]

Ever hear of a "Dutch Oven"? :P :))

This ones for you...  spb.gif

Wooo hooooo Just what I've always looked forward to a Fart thread !!!!   >:D

Click this link ....it goes with the picture

http://www.mattsmusicpage.com/111/sounds/hmrfart.htm

[Libra]

I don't have sound at the office!!!! I can't wait to go home and hear that, Tara!!  :))

And now, one more for you giggling pleasure:

A MAN WITH A PASSION
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
:o


Lib

[tonytony]

  spb.gif <3

[foxx]

 :))  Farts are funny.... :))

[pogo_gamer]

OMG TFF :)) :))