Oil Change

[SaintHiρρo]

Last Call's recent comments about Bree needing "pink stars" because she's a girl made me search and find this joke:

Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1.) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2.) Drink a cup of coffee.
3.) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20! .00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1.) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2.) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3.) Open a beer and drink it.
4.) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5.) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.) Place drain pan under engine.
8.) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9.) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil d rain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember d rain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and band age as required t o stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[Tara]

 :)) :)) :)) Now thats awesome !!!

[pogohatesme]

lol I don't know what I'd do if there wern't places to change my oil for me lol

[Tara]

Look at #49....Men cant do a thing without us and notice the LOVING   :)) :))

[foxx]

Too funny Hippo...  Thanks!  You deserve a pink star.

[Tara]

Too funny Hippo...  Thanks!  You deserve a pink star.

:)) @ pink star

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) good ones

[Bree]

Fantastic find Hippo and I love the joke..... :))

[wattsmyname]

LMAO :)) :)) :))


Marjorie :))

[PogoCrazyMomma]

 :))  :))  :))  That is just so true!!  My hubby is a hands on guy, does a lot of mechanic stuff, always works on our cars, shocks, brakes, roters,oil, etc., most recently the serpentine belt and something else(I'm not too car savy I just get in and drive). and boy do tools get thrown and the yelling and moaning, the "five min. breaks" and the hours for that one bolt that just won't come off.  I just don't understand why he tortures himself and me for that matter, oh and every time he says next time we'll pay someone to do it, but then when something happens he says we'll save $$ if he does it. He's famous for saying this will only take a couple hours and next thing ya know it's taken all weekend.  I will never understand men, I like the easy way out!!!    :))

[zzigzzag]

To funny......Yanno....you just gotta love MEN!....lol

[Country Lady]

I wanted to by a stupid rose trellis, you know the kind at Walmart for about $7.  Well my husband swore up and down he could make one cheaper than that.  I waited all summer and all winter, the following summer he nailed one of those expandable kiddie gates to the side of the house.  :)) :)) :))

[pogohatesme]

I wanted to by a stupid rose trellis, you know the kind at Walmart for about $7.  Well my husband swore up and down he could make one cheaper than that.  I waited all summer and all winter, the following summer he nailed one of those expandable kiddie gates to the side of the house.  :)) :)) :))

lol that's funny!!  You did take it down and get your $7 right lol

[Tara]

I wanted to by a stupid rose trellis, you know the kind at Walmart for about $7.  Well my husband swore up and down he could make one cheaper than that.  I waited all summer and all winter, the following summer he nailed one of those expandable kiddie gates to the side of the house.  :)) :)) :))

omg   :)) :))  I think those kiddie gates cost more than 7 bucks  :)) :))

[nightperson]

Look at #49....Men cant do a thing without us and notice the LOVING   :)) :))

:)) :)) :)) you got that right some men  :)) :))

[nightperson]

Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she is going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.00. The loan officer tells her that she will need collateral. She says " OK", and hands him the keys to a new Rolls Royce that is sitting in front of the bank. She gets the money and leaves.

The bank employees all laugh about her using a $250,000 car for collateral on a $5000 loan. The car is then taken to the bank's underground garage.

When the blonde returns two weeks later, she repays the loan and the interest, which amounts to $15.60.

The loan officer tells her that they checked her credit references, and discovered that she is a multi-millionaire. He asks why she needed to borrow $5000. She replies, " Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.60, and expect to find it there when I get back?"

[Tara]

 :)) :)) Thats a good one

[Bree]

good one Night..... :)) :))

[pogo_gamer]

 :)) :)))