Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"  :P

[SirCheatsAlot]

Ten priests to be are lined up out back of the church awaiting their final test from Father Bill.
He makes them all remove their clothes has each of them tie a bell to their WANDS.
Next he brings in a beautiful naked woman whos goal is to test their faith and make their bells ring.
The girl dances in front of each man one by one trying her best to entice ...and one by one not a sound is heard ..until...she gets to the final man who's bell rings so violently that it falls to the ground....
Embarrassed he bends down to pick up his bell and.......................................    the other nine bells start a ringing     :)

[Homer]

Reasons for Not Coming To Work Today

If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be playing Pogo :P

[Super Duckie]

Product Warnings

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

Do not use while sleeping.   on the directions of a hair dryer

[badcrazygirl]

Who would want to? Unless they wanted to keep warm at night hehe.

[Super Duckie]

it also says on a hair dryer not to use while showering

[badcrazygirl]

Electricfying lol.

[Super Duckie]

it says on a packet of wet-naps you have to open it before use

[Homer]

When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best   :P

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

[Dream Faerie]

I made this up myself AND I recorded a wav of this...

"I don't need cybersex...AOL goes down om me all the time"

I LOVE THAT QUOTE!!! >:D

[Homer]

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
:P

[Homer]

What a Shot!


Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one, directly toward the same water hazard. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto the fairway, and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."  :P

[Homer]

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes sir. They're called bullets."  :P

[samtheman]

 
The Fly 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh ... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches .. that fish will jump for the fly ... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but...I can tell you there was more...


A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly.... and that bear grabs for that fish ... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish.... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear....
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches.. Some kitty is probably in danger.

[samtheman]

just click on the foto.....lol

[Butterfly Fairy]

Your worst nightmare...





THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND


After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then!!! ???" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[Morgan]

TEXAS  CHILI  TASTING

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, visiting Texas from the
East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an  outstanding Famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it.
Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the  event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:  Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with  it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE  ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver.  They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting
shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of  lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it.  Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300
lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE  ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick.  Very  impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef;  could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. **** those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian  Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of  peppers, onions, and garlic. 
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.  I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation  Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a ****ing grenade in my mouth, pull the ****ing pin, and
I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my ****ing mouth.  My pants are full of lava-like shit
to match my goddamn shirt.  At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.  **** it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
****ing 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE  ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. 
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.   
Poor Yank.

FRANK:   Editor's note:  Judge #3 was unable to report

[Morgan]

If this story doesnt make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and Ill pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was that the Husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldnt stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out !

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the Turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the Turkey innards and neck, gizzard , liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulled back the covers, she pulled back the waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of Turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself  as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes ! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said " Honey, you were right." " All these years you have warned me and I didnt listen to you."

" What do you mean? " asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I might end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. "  >:D

[Homer]

Rug Rats (Linoleum Lizards, y'know)  :P

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child . . . she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We childproofed our home 3 years ago, and they're still getting in!

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.

[Homer]

A little girl climbed onto Santa's lap. Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"  :P