Homer's Laugh House

[RuLeR]

Too funny awesome jokes! :) :) :)) :)) :)) O0

[Tara]

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a Bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".  The Bartender, who is badly Humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, " That will be $2.50 please!"
    The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
    The bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
    The guy pays him and drinks it down.  He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease!
    The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please!".
    The guy says" Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
    The bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
    The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving he says" Bbbartender tthanks for nnott mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere!"
    The bartender said, "Oh that's OK! I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were here."
    The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK, eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh...I ttthougt it wwas yyour ASS!







George walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, George started to leave.
    "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what George had done, "what was that all about?"
    "Nothin', said George, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[foxx]

Ah, yes...Sprockets!  I totally forgot about that sketch!  Good ol' Mike Myers... ;D

[Strawberries~n~Cream]

  I love the BCBS one with the guy dancin'!!
"Let me see ya move something"!!!!
  8)

[pogohatesme]

lol love the olive one!!

[Jinx55]

This came from my Wife (a retired English Teacher) Have a Nice Day     8)    O0


THIS SHOULD RATTLE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE!

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak
fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely
language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure, English
lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8.) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French
fries in

France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which
aren't sweet, are meat...


Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an
odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?


Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

PS - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[SaintHiρρo]

Jinx, you have helped me in looking even more like a fool here in the office. Each time I read one of those lines in my mind, I laughed out loud and no one thinks this job is funny enough to laugh about it!

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) to funny

[pogohatesme]

lol great jokes again today guys!!

[SI]

Subject: STRANGER THAN FICTION?

I sure hope these are not true:

ONE:  Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.  "You don't?" I replied.  "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.  "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"  "That's right."  So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO:  I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"  I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."  She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE:  A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.  When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR:  I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.  "Do you need some help?" I asked.  She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"  "Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.  "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I look the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE:  Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.  What do I do?"  "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.  With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX:  I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."  I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN:  My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT:  Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE:  A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.  The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....  Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

[pogohatesme]

GOOD
>>>In Richardson, Texas A State Trooper was running radar. He had a
>>>perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he
>>>discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road
>>>with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
>>>The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
>>>reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
>>>lemonade!)
>>>
>>>
>>>BETTER
>>>A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
>>>automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was
>>>included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
>>>The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>>>
>>>BEST
>>>A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX
>
>>>State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
>>>book,she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas
>>>State Police Ball."
>>>He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
>>>
>>>There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
>>>he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
> and left.
>>>She was laughing too hard to start her car.
>>

[pogohatesme]

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that
this
>>         be my last child support payment!
>>         Month after month, year after year, all those damn
>>         payments!
>> 
>>         So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and
>>         when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take
>>this
>>         check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last
>>         check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come
>>         back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's
face."
>> 
>>         So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be
>>         anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.
>>         Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo
>>         momma say 'bout that?
>> 
>>         "She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy ... and
>>watch
>>         the 'spression on yo face!"
>>

[Tara]

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that
this
>>         be my last child support payment!
>>         Month after month, year after year, all those damn
>>         payments!
>> 
>>         So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and
>>         when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take
>>this
>>         check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last
>>         check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come
>>         back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's
face."
>> 
>>         So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be
>>         anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.
>>         Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo
>>         momma say 'bout that?
>> 
>>         "She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy ... and
>>watch
>>         the 'spression on yo face!"
>>

I love this one.... :)) :))

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) i love yo come in here and read all the jokes makes my day thanks all :))

[foxx]

Subject: STRANGER THAN FICTION?

I sure hope these are not true:

ONE:  Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.  "You don't?" I replied.  "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.  "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"  "That's right."  So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO:  I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't  :))get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"  I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."  She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE:  A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.  When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR:  I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.  "Do you need some help?" I asked.  She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"  "Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.  "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I look the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE:  Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.  What do I do?"  "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.  With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX:  I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."  I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN:  My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT:  Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE:  A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.  The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....  Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

Would like to think they aren't true DJ...but you know they are.... :))

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) :)) good one

[Sweet_Karamel]

                                         YU NUFFI SHOW OFF!!

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he
could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New
Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the Passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the
Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team
will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the
details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the
man, I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the  telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."
>
>
>   Laugh!!!!! Laugh out Loud!!!! Keep Laughing!!!!!

:))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :)) O0

[Bree]

 HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

   1. Open a new file in your PC.
   2. Name it "Housework."
   3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
   4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
   5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
   6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
   7. Feel better?

   Works for me!

[Bree]

The Top 15 Easiest Jobs in Show Business


15> Ellen DeGeneres' dressmaker

14> Geraldo Rivera's Fact Checker

13> Courtney Love's makeup artist

12> Stevie Wonder's interior decorator

11> MTV's music video scheduler

10> Color Me Badd's Booking Agent

9> "Dr. Who" set designer

8> Philip Seymour Hoffman's personal trainer

7> Johnny Knoxville's award-acceptance speechwriter

6> "Catwoman" Fan Club Coordinator

5> Jessica Simpson's personal librarian

4> Ron Howard's anger-management coach

3> Terri Hatcher's pastry chef

2> Steven Tyler's weightlifting spotter


and the Number 1 Easiest Job in Show Business...


1> Mr. Britney Spears

[pogohatesme]

The Top 15 Easiest Jobs in Show Business


15> Ellen DeGeneres' dressmaker

14> Geraldo Rivera's Fact Checker

13> Courtney Love's makeup artist

12> Stevie Wonder's interior decorator

11> MTV's music video scheduler

10> Color Me Badd's Booking Agent

9> "Dr. Who" set designer

8> Philip Seymour Hoffman's personal trainer

7> Johnny Knoxville's award-acceptance speechwriter

6> "Catwoman" Fan Club Coordinator

5> Jessica Simpson's personal librarian

4> Ron Howard's anger-management coach

3> Terri Hatcher's pastry chef

2> Steven Tyler's weightlifting sp****


and the Number 1 Easiest Job in Show Business...


1> Mr. Britney Spears

Haha!  When you put it like that...I think I'd like to apply for a couple of those lol