Homer's Laugh House

[triniqueen27]

   Rules Women Live By!   

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1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.

5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.

14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Also, just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy   

[Tara]

The Top 15 Easiest Jobs in Show Business

and the Number 1 Easiest Job in Show Business...

1> Mr. Britney Spears

Love it !!

[Tara]

  Rules Women Live By!   

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1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.

5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.

14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Also, just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy   

I can't even begin to pick out what I like best...there all awesome   O0

[SI]

*****WARNING***** - Read the below joke at your own risk!  It is bathroom humor, literally lol.  I had to wait a good five minutes after I finished reading to finally settle down; I've still got tears running down from laughing so hard!

Subject: Tales of a S***ty Day


All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a crap. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of a** cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

3. S*** smeared on seat.

4. S*** and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful S***ter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. S***ter was blathering to Mrs. S***ter about the s***ty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My a** let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my a** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that(gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts. I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My s***-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous s***-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to s*** in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

[foxx]

 :))   tears running down face...must go pee....   :))

[ClingFree]

o m g .. Im dying. I cannot breathe  :))

[Tara]

Omg...thats the best one I've heard in a long time...I was laughing so hard 1/2 way thru I couldn't even see the screen... :)) :))

[Gecko]

seeing my male chauvinest joke got deleted  :-[ im scrapping the bottem of the barrell now lol
2 flys playing soccer  in a saucer   one fly says to the udder   you better  pick up on your game where  playing in the cup next week   :P

[Tara]

2 flys playing soccer  in a saucer   one fly says to the udder   you better  pick up on your game where  playing in the cup next week   :P

Is this one of those things you see if you can say it 10 times real fast?  :))

[Libra]

2 flys playing soccer  in a saucer   one fly says to the udder   you better  pick up on your game where  playing in the cup next week   :P

Is this one of those things you see if you can say it 10 times real fast?  :))

TARA!!!  Get over here RIGHT NOW and clean the beer off my keyboard  :)) :))

[ClingFree]

A very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC, one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man walking near the edge of the bridge getting ready to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your Mom and Dad".
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm gonna jump."
She said, "Well think of your wife and kids."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids; I'm gonna jump."
She said, " Well think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well just go ahead and jump then, you damn Yankee!!

[Gecko]

Saturday March 25, 2006
Armed staff at England's Longleat Safari Park were told a lion had escaped. They ordered park workers indoors before realising they had been duped with a wooden cut-out in an unannounced training drill.

Friday March 24, 2006
Englishwoman Louise Arnold is having therapy to overcome a fear of peas. The Cheltenham woman flees restaurants if she spots peas in meals and gets anxious in supermarkets. She gets little sympathy, however, from friends, who bought her a T-shirt saying: "Give peas a chance".




Sunday February 12, 2006
Locals in Lymington, Hampshire, have been told by British police not to approach six missing, suspected stolen, water buffalo from behind as "they are able to spray dung across large distances".  :)) bit like pogo  :))



Saturday February 11, 2006
Rajkumar Sharma, 19, accused in a Mumbai court of robbing an auto rickshaw driver of 400 rupees ($12), hurled his slipper at Judge C.D. Gongale. He missed, and the outraged judge sentenced him to life imprisonment.

   

[SexySagittarian]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all
his hair.
 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army  has
been looking for Herman for 51 years.                     


======================================================================

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.  "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

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[nanners]

You might be a redneck if you think load the dishwasher means getting  your wife drunk!! :))

[Helen]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all
his hair.
 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army  has
been looking for Herman for 51 years.                     


======================================================================

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.  "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

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:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

Loved them both, thanks for sharing!!

[Bree]

Baby Boomer's


Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to
accommodate baby boomer's. They include:

-- Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

--The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

-- Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

-- Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

-- Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

-- Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now

-- Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

-- The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

-- Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

-- Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair

-- Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

-- The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

-- Abba--- Denture Queen

-- Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

-- Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

-- Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

-- Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To

[Bree]

A Bad Day

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling"? it said. "What kind of a day are you having"?

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George"? said the housewife. "Who's George"?

"Why, George! Your husband! Is this 223-1374?"?

"No, this is 322-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over"?"

[Gecko]

There are 2 muffins in an oven, One muffin says, "man is it hot in here!!" and the other muffin says, "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!"



Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do? Teacher: no, of course not. Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

There are three types of people in this world, people who can count...and people who can't."

Why Did The Blonde Put An Empty Milk Carton In The Fridge?.......In Case Anyone Wanted Black Tea!!!


Once upon a time a blonde joined her local library. After hours of indecisive browsing she finally chose a book and rushed home excitedly to read it. Several days later, she returns and, slamming the book angrily onto the counter, exclaimed, 'This book is really boring. It had too many characters and far too many numbers. Give me something more interesting.' At that the librarian turned to his colleague and happily announced, 'Hey Bill stop the search - we've got the phone book back!'"

why did micky mouse get shot???? because donald ducked


A panda walks into a bar eats some food, shoots up the place, and then starts to walk out. The bartender says, "Hey, what did you do that for?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda, look it up." So the bartender gets a dictionary and under panda bear it says, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves"

For a guy to talk dirty to a chick it's sexual harrassment but for a girl to talk dirty to a guy it costs $3.50 a minute.

A sandwich walked into a bar and said "i'll have a pint of beer please" barman said "sorry we dont serve food"
foxx   made me post these    :)) :)) :))

He who laughs last, thinks the slowest :))

[ClingFree]

For a guy to talk dirty to a chick it's sexual harrassment but for a girl to talk dirty to a guy it costs $3.50 a minute.

Makes sense to me!!  O0

[Tara]

For a guy to talk dirty to a chick it's sexual harrassment but for a girl to talk dirty to a guy it costs $3.50 a minute.

Makes sense to me!!  O0

Isn't that how its suppose to be?  :))