Homer's Laugh House

[Shady Lady]

I've done several things at one time or another myself ...  :-X

Ways to Tell a Redneck is on Your Computer

  1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
  2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
  3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
  4. The password is "bubba."
  5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
  6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt Jr. sticker on it.
  7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
  8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
  9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

[triniqueen27]

                 32 ways to piss everyone off
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Staple pages in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.

"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

[triniqueen27]

                 You Know You're a Mom When...

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room
together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking
bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicles become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because you're too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny.

12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.

[triniqueen27]

<img src="http://www.funnyfunpages.com/yardwork/22030273.gif">
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[nanners]

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[Libra]

Saving George W. Bush

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your azz from drowning!"

[foxx]

 :))  Nice one Libra...

[SaintHiρρo]

                 32 ways to piss everyone off
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

LoL, I do that one already because I hate writing checks but I sure get a kick out of 'em when I do!

[Libra]

Ok, this was sent to me by someone on the forum.  I'm not going to out her, but GAWD woman, these are funny!  You gotta start sharin' them with the masses!

A Christian Democrat:

You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A Socialist:

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Everyone shares the milk.

A Republican:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You don't care.

A Democrat outside of America:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A Communist:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A Fascist:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Democracy in America:

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Capitalism, American Style:

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy, American Style:

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

An American Corporation:

You have two cows. You outsource one to Asia, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A French Corporation:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Japanese Corporation:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A German Corporation: You have two cows. You eat them both and freeze the rest. The US feels bad for you and gives you cows.

An Italian Corporation:
You have two cows but you don't care. Your to busy enjoying fine wine's and cheese.

A Russian Corporation:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Mexican Corporation:

You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A Swiss Corporation:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You don't care becuase your storing them for others. And making millions doing so.

A Brazilian Corporation:

You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows at are soon fighting with America over NATO regulations.

An Indian Corporation:

You have two cows. You worship them.

[BoJangles]

 8)

OFFICE MEMO :

Please note that at all future office parties/Company picnics you will only be allowed one drink per person .  Please bring your own cup.

The Management




8)

[Tara]

 :)) :))  Thats cute

[Hunter196241]

If a turtl looes his shell......is he naked or homeless? :)) :)) :)) :))If FED-X and UPS merged.....would it be called FED-UP? :)) :)) :)) :))

[nightperson]

omg to funny  :))

[nightperson]

 :)) :))

[Libra]

If a turtl looes his shell......is he naked or homeless? :)) :)) :)) :))If FED-X and UPS merged.....would it be called FED-UP? :)) :)) :)) :))

I'm thinking naked would be better than homeless.  And Fed-UP already exsists... It's called US MAIL!!!  :))

Libra

[Homer]

If a turtl looes his shell......is he naked or homeless? :)) :)) :)) :))If FED-X and UPS merged.....would it be called FED-UP? :)) :)) :)) :))

I'm thinking naked would be better than homeless.  And Fed-UP already exsists... It's called US MAIL!!!  :))

Libra

Naked? Now that reminds me of the first time I went to a Hooters restaurant. You know...the one where the women wear the short shorts and the revealing tops. ???

My waitress? comes to the table to take our order and I order the chicken wings. Now mind you I'm already drooling all over the place when she says "Naked or Dressed?" Now I'm drooling and tongue tied and stumbling over my words when my friend leans over and says "Dude, she means the wings!"  :-[ :P :))

[Tara]

Naked? Now that reminds me of the first time I went to a Hooters restaurant. You know...the one where the women wear the short shorts and the revealing tops. ???

My waitress? comes to the table to take our order and I order the chicken wings. Now mind you I'm already drooling all over the place when she says "Naked or Dressed?" Now I'm drooling and tongue tied and stumbling over my words when my friend leans over and says "Dude, she means the wings!"  :-[ :P :))

Omg...how funny...you are bad !!  >:D

[ClingFree]

Lmao!!  :))

[bubblegum]

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight? Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion? A bunion

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain? Egghead!

What does a bunny use when it goes swimming? A hare-net.

How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours!

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? Cheer up!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.

How do you post a bunny? Hare mail

[Bree]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished  cleaning."

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will  come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me  LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother  taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother  taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My  mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me aboutSTAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My  mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17.  My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your  father."

23. My mother  taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll  understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"