Homer's Laugh House

[Shady Lady]

Three very old and very bored grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home. An old man walks by and one of the grandmas
said, "Betcha we can guess how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess how old I am."

One of the grandmas replied, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts
and we can tell your exact age."

He did. The grandmas stared at him for a good while and then they all
piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"


The grandmas laughed until tears were rolling down their cheeks
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily
yelled in unison . ."You told us yesterday."

[Bree]

Good one Shady.....I will have to copy this joke and post it at my grandfathers nursing home.  :))

[triniqueen27]

My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday present.

This guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"

I'm thinking I've been married too long, because I said ...

"You're going to pick up after yourself, aren't you?"

[Shady Lady]

 :))  :))  :))  :))

My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday present.

This guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"

I'm thinking I've been married too long, because I said ...

"You're going to pick up after yourself, aren't you?"

[Bree]

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches

off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
 

[Shady Lady]

GOOD ONE!  :))

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches

off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
 

[Bree]

Thanks Shady..... :)

[foxx]

Naked? Now that reminds me of the first time I went to a Hooters restaurant. You know...the one where the women wear the short shorts and the revealing tops. ???

My waitress? comes to the table to take our order and I order the chicken wings. Now mind you I'm already drooling all over the place when she says "Naked or Dressed?" Now I'm drooling and tongue tied and stumbling over my words when my friend leans over and says "Dude, she means the wings!"  :-[ :P :))

:))  ...ah, to be a fly on the wall...

[foxx]

tee hee!   :))

[Tara]

tee hee!   :))

Is fox laughing at herself?  :)) :))

[nightperson]

ll very good only had to read 4 pages of the forum to get the rest of my catch up but can say there is some good ones bree was very good  :))

[Bree]

Naked? Now that reminds me of the first time I went to a Hooters restaurant. You know...the one where the women wear the short shorts and the revealing tops. ???

My waitress? comes to the table to take our order and I order the chicken wings. Now mind you I'm already drooling all over the place when she says "Naked or Dressed?" Now I'm drooling and tongue tied and stumbling over my words when my friend leans over and says "Dude, she means the wings!"  :-[ :P :))

That is so funny Homer..... :))

[Bree]

NEVER BRING PLANTS INTO THE HOUSE

Garden Grass Snakes can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes....

Here's why.....................

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room
naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told
him to lie still and called an ambulance . The attendants rushed in,
wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started
carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency  Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed
himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt
the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use
CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out
and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her
neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed
he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey,and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife. The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and
as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried
to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of
the family dog who was startled. The dog jumped out and raced into the street,
where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called
the fire department. The firemen had started raising the firetruck ladder
when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the
overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones
in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house
was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when she shot him.

[SI]

OMG Bree that was too funny :))  My sides are killing me, and I still can't catch my breath!  My cats are looking at me like I'm insane (what's scary is that one of the two is deaf) :))

[Bree]

Thank you DJ, when I got it and read it I could not stop laughing myself.  I just had to post it here so others could have a good laugh too.... :))

[nightperson]

omg  that was to funny ppl at work are atarting to worry bout me of coarse i can tell maybe later on  :))

[foxx]

tee hee!   :))

Is fox laughing at herself?  :)) :))

NO!  Somebody merged the topics...I was laughing at another joke...timing was off.   >:(

[ClingFree]

NEVER BRING PLANTS INTO THE HOUSE

Garden Grass Snakes can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes....

That is waaay too funny

[triniqueen27]

Redneck Divorce Letter

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Dear Cooter,

Me an Sue Ellen have devorced, the judge gave her the dubble wide and the pickup.

So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before2 oclock, yesterde afternoon!

I took a picher fer proof that I delivered it... Wanted to make sure she found it when she got home!!!

How's your day a going? See ya later,

Your Buddy,
Bubba
"Git er done!"

[triniqueen27]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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