Homer's Laugh House

[ClingFree]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !


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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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One of my All time faves!

[Shady Lady]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave
up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way from
work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I
would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I
stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three
large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out
of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg
and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulp mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The
stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned
to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for
another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had
peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday!"

I fainted.

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) :)) that one is the best i havew read very nice i will have to copy that and put it on the board at work they guiys will get a good laugh and so will the customers :)) :))

[triniqueen27]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the

kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers

question time. One little boy puts up his hand and

George asks him his name.



"Stanley," responds the little boy.



"And what is your question, Stanley?"



"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade

Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are

you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third,

whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"



Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush

informs the kiddies that they will continue after

recess.



When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh,

that's right: question time. Who has a question?"



Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him

out and asks him his name.



"Steve," he responds.



"And what is your question, Steve?"



"Actually, I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA

invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why

are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third,

whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did

the recess bells go off 20 minutes early? And fifth,

what the hell happened to Stanley?"

[nightperson]

very cute :))

[ClingFree]

Lmao poor Stanley

[triniqueen27]

   i thought this was funny  

http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif

[nightperson]

very cute

[Helen]

 i thought this was funny  

http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif

Good one, thanks!!

[Tara]

 i thought this was funny  

http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif

3 licks....thats cute  :))

[ClingFree]

 i thought this was funny  

http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif

3 licks....thats cute  :))

:-X @ 3 licks .... Very cute link

[SI]

  i thought this was funny 

http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif

That was too funny, thanks!

:-X @ 3 licks .... Very cute link

You sure you're not a mind-reader? :-X

[ClingFree]

  i thought this was funny 

http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif

That was too funny, thanks!

:-X @ 3 licks .... Very cute link

You sure you're not a mind-reader? :-X

You know what they say about great minds   ;)

[Tara]

holy guacamole...these 2 are hitting every room with all that  <3 ey dovey stuff

[ClingFree]

holy guacamole...these 2 are hitting every room with all that  <3 ey dovey stuff

:-*

[Bree]

AND THE MORAL IS.......

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I
Run all the body's systems, so without me nothing
Would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I
Circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all
Waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I
Process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I
Carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I
Allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
Responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and
Insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes
Got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided
That the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The azzhole is usually in charge !!

[Tara]

 :)) :)) Love the moral to this story  O0  :))

[Bree]

:)) :)) Love the moral to this story O0 :))

Thanks..... :)

[Tara]

Top 12 Ways to
Get Rid of Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills." You: "Mantermills!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."

[triniqueen27]

        Womans Guide To Stupid Men

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What Did God Say After Creating Man?

I Must Do Better Than That



How Many Men Does It Take To Change The Toilet Roll?

Dont Know.... Its Never Happened Before



Why Cant Men Make Good Pancakes?

Because Theyre Useless Tossers


How Does A Man Help With The Houserwork?

He Lifts His Legs As You Vacuum


Why Do Men Act Stupid?

Whose Says Theyre Acting

Whats The Difference Between Match Of The Day And A Toilet Seat?

A Bloke Will Never Miss Match Of The Day

How Is A Bloke Like The Weather?

Nothing Can Be Done To Change Either

What Can Do The Work Of 10 Men?
1 Woman

Why Do Only 10% Of Blokes Go To Heaven?
Because If There Were Anymore It Would Be Hell

What Do Men And Beer Have In Common?
Theyre Both Empty From The Neck Up

How Do You Make A Man Take Exercise?
Hide His TV Remote

What Do Men And Dog Poo Have In Common?
The Older They Are The Easier They Are To Pick Up

Why Are Blokes Like Bras?
They Hang Around Your Boobs All Day And Give You No Support When You Need It

How Are Stupid Men Like Carpet Tiles?
If You Lay Them Properly The First Time, You Can Walk All Over Them For The Rest Of Your Life