Homer's Laugh House

[SI]

Ugggggghhhhh

Last week I took some friends out to Chili's, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a  spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the wait persons had a spoon in theirpocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Arthur Andersen, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I notice that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know...we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[SI]

Lol some of you are probably wondering what's up with all the jokes.  I don't know if it was because of April Fools or what, but my inbox was packed with humour today.  Hope you like 'em! O0

Science Class

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stoodup. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well,Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

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Pregnancy

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition.  She sat under a sign that said, 'The Gold Dust Twins are coming,' and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did The Trick,' and I could  hardly control myself. BUT---when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.' I laughed out loud."

"CASE DISMISSED," said the Judge.

----------------

George the Mailman

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F*** him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

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Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?" The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?" The driver answered, It's not my car. I stole it."

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?" The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?" The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?" The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is."  It was valid. The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?" The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car. The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?" The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it." The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.o.B. told you I was speeding, too!"

----------------

A realllly bad day...

A golfer is looking for his ball in the woods, when he comes up to another man hugging a tree, with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this, he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me!"

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, okay." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this, the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry and car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later, a nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?" So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.

After telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just ain't gonna be your day!!!"

[ClingFree]

Omgosh DJ I'm  :))

[ClingFree]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.   Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time?   Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can  ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! Yeer a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,  the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country cloob....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye sceered me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[Tara]

 :)) :)) :))

[wattsmyname]

Those are so funny DJ_SI  and ClingFree
:)) :)) :))

[WhitePanther]

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.


AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[wattsmyname]

OMG I can't stop laughing :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

[WhitePanther]

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

[wattsmyname]

LMAO :)) :)) :))

[WhitePanther]

alright 1 more

[WhitePanther]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "I would like to propose a toast to you! Honey, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I think you're bad luck."

[wattsmyname]

Thanks WhitePanther  :)) :)) :))

[Bree]

Good ones WhitePanther..... :))

[Bree]

Mildred the Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night.

[SexySagittarian]

lol....I like the way Henry thinks  :))

[triniqueen27]

          I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..........

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from.  So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she
replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot
up
my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."
:)) :)) :))

[WhitePanther]

Very Good Bree and Trini

[WhitePanther]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
 
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves our love for one another."
 
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now.



But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) them are very good one to funny