Homer's Laugh House

[Bree]

MISCHIEVIOUS BROTHERS



Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boy's mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.  The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"  The boys' mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide eyed and his mouth hanging open.  So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" 

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.  The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.  When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"  The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."   



"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

[Bree]

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD...

                 


                           


           


                   

[lostinpogoland]

 :)) :))

[Luna]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


                                                   e4.gif> e4.gif>

[Luna]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[ClingFree]

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Didnt see that one coming ..  :))

[ClingFree]

Spring Break in Michigan ........

[Helen]

Spring Break in Michigan ........

Hahahaha, love it!!!

[Bree]

I like that one Cling....

[Bree]

Did You Know That?



Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."



Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns? 



Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose. 



Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.



Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.



Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer . Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- ! even though the product was never been advertised for this use. (Note: Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers.) 



Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. 



Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.



Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. 



Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... 



If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.!



Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. 



Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.



Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine ... a powerful antiseptic.



Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. 



Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas. 



Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. 



Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.



Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for a soothing relief from arthritis pain. 

[Helen]

Thanks Bree, the one for splinters will come in very very handy!!

[Bree]

You are welcome, Helen!!

[Bree]

Like his Mother used to do!


He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.



I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.



I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do!

[ClingFree]

I need a remedy to get rid of Japanese Beetles!!  - They look just like ladybugs, but I think they multiply like rabbits!

<edit> I realize this seems way off topic, but I just read Bree's home remedy post!!

[Lynne]

MISCHIEVIOUS BROTHERS



Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boy's mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.  The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"  The boys' mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide eyed and his mouth hanging open.  So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" 

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.  The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.  When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"  The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."   



"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

that is a good one Bree thanks for posting

[Lynne]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


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:)) :)) :)) good one thanks sweetpeach for posting

[triniqueen27]

Top ten tips to know if you have PMS

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[Bree]

A very elderly gentleman (mid 90s), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid 80s). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

~~~~


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor fitted him with a set of hearing aids that permitted him to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later.

The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

~~~~


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really? Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep, No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants!"

~~~~


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do yo! u mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

~~~~


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed, with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know now, he said. "She's was upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown."

~~~~


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

[Bree]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.  A Wal-Mart associate is standing there, wearing dark shades.
 
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"  He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
 
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 pound test line.  It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I'll take it!"  As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
 
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.  At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.  Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
 
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00?  How did you get $34.50?"
 
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[Tara]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

:)) :))