Homer's Laugh House

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 05:41:20 AM

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about
a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'

Helen · April 09, 2006, 05:42:15 AM

Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 05:41:20 AM
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about
a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'

Hahaha, good one!! :))

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 06:08:04 AM

7 DEGREES OF BLONDE
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>FIRST DEGREE
>A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The
>wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How
>should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said,
>"Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know
>if the coast is clear. '
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>SECOND DEGREE
>Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
>sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
>and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
> The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands
>her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and
says, "You dummy,
>it's me!"
> ´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-
>THIRD DEGREE
>A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
>buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
>door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
>angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
>overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
>boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
>you're next!"
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>FOURTH DEGREE
>A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
>says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
>the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy:.......
>W."

> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>FIFTH DEGREE
>What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is
>it mine?"
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-
>SIXTH DEGREE
>Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
>government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
>was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
>decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>SEVENTH DEGREE
>Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
>and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
>The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
>patrolling
nearby was the first to respond.
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
>blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
>then sat down on the steps.
> Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
>possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
>send me a BLIND policeman."

Helen · April 09, 2006, 06:10:18 AM

Those are great!!! :)) :))

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 06:21:44 AM

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that
will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and
proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac

every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher
stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead

with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side; while his

wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, Screw
the Preacher."

Helen · April 09, 2006, 06:23:10 AM

Hahahaha, love it!!! :)) :))

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 06:27:15 AM

This is too weird.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And
you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see
if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the
air with your right hand. Your foot will change
direction!

I told you so. And there's nothing you can do about
it.

Helen · April 09, 2006, 06:31:44 AM

I've done this before and it's true. You have no control. Weird!!

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 06:35:09 AM

It sure is!

nightperson · April 09, 2006, 06:35:19 AM

that is werid :))

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 06:35:51 AM

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke. !

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Helen · April 09, 2006, 06:36:39 AM

Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 06:35:51 AM
ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke. !

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins L****y"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

:)) :)) :))

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 06:40:16 AM

A PARROT NAMED CHET

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Helen · April 09, 2006, 06:42:47 AM

OUCH..... :)) :))

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 06:45:42 AM

Finklestein and Jesus
>>
>> Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really
>> needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign
>> for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary
>> arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
>>
>> A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and
>> it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed.
>>
>> Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's
>> no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a
>> sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was
>> made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
>>
>> Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His
>> Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
>>
>> A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem,
>> He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of
>> people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through
>> the crowd to speak to him.
>>
>> As soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what
>> you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
>>
>> "Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
>>
>> "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am
>> the craftsman."
>>
>> The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long
>> and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a
>> mutually acceptable compromise.
>> A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop. Can
>> you guess what it read??

>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Are you sure you want to know?
>>
>>

>>
>>
>>
>> Here it comes...
>>
>>
>>

>>
>>
>>
>> Don't say you weren't warned......
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Lord & Taylor
>>

Tara · April 09, 2006, 06:50:26 AM

Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 06:35:51 AM
ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke. !

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins L****y"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Theres some good ones in there :)) :))

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 06:56:01 AM

To fully appreciate this, you may have to be old enough to
remember Abbott and Costello and too old to REALLY understand
computers. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a
proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Helen · April 09, 2006, 07:02:31 AM

OMG, that is hysterical!! :)) :))

SexySagittarian · April 09, 2006, 07:03:09 AM

Guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote

=======

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...

She ALSO votes!

==========

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"

He ALSO votes!

===========

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . ..

My sister ALSO votes!

==========

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...

He ALSO votes!

==========

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

My friend ALSO votes!

=========

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". . .

SHE ALSO votes

Helen · April 09, 2006, 07:07:15 AM

Kinda scary, huh?? Those were funny. :))

Homer's Laugh House

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nightperson

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