Homer's Laugh House

[badcrazygirl]

There goes santa's naughty list for you homer  :P

[Homer]

Have you been naughty or nice? :P

[badcrazygirl]

Umm... both lol  :P

[Homer]

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"  :P

[samtheman]

[Homer]

Kids' Ideas on Love

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10

"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10

[Homer]

Real Signs   :P


In a restroom:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

[LadyMystik]

just click on the foto.....lol

Oh my word! People are STUPID!!!

No offense to anyone on this forum ;)

[samtheman]

Ever wonder what's wrong with people who spend $2 or more for a little bottle of Evian water?  Spell Evian backwards.

If we are here to help others, what are the others here for?

When cheese has its picture taken, what does it say?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why isn't eleven pronounced onety one?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? They are only stale bread.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?

Why is the person who invest your money called a broker?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electrician can be delighted and musicians denoted?

If mothers in the West feed their babies with tiny spoons and forks, what do mothers in the Orient use? Toothpicks?

Last night I played a blank audio tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put in your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?

[Homer]

Love the mime joke. :P :)

[Mayhem]

Thought this was cute ...

http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/poop_doggy_dog/poop_doggy_dog.swf

[Homer]

Good One. ;)

[dallastx]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around"

[dallastx]

[Homer]

The Homer Diet :P

This is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST:
Grapefruit
1 Slice whole Wheat Toast
8 oz Skim Milk


LUNCH:
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast 1 C Steamed Spinach
1 C Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie


MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 Pts Rocky Road Ice Cream, Nuts, Cherries and Whipped Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce


DINNER:
2 Loaves Garlic Bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of Coke
1 large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
3 Snicker bars


LATE EVENING NEWS:
Entire frozen Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:


1. If you eat something and no one see you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

[Homer]

October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.  ???

[Butterfly Fairy]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the
bird's vocabulary.  Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird
and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and
kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was
heard for over a minute.  Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly
opened the door to  the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the
bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the
turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

>

[Homer]

Good one. LOL O0

[Butterfly Fairy]

Thank You Homer!! ;D

[Homer]

Your welcome. Want me to resize your avatar so everyone can see it better?