Homer's Laugh House

[SexySagittarian]

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads .  So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me !

That's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!

[Tara]

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads .  So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me !

That's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!

lmao   :)) :))

[Helen]

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads .  So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me !

That's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!

lmao   :)) :))

:D :D :))

[SexySagittarian]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you?  Yeah, I know you are........)

[Helen]

Kinda hard not to sing.  :D    :)) :))

[SexySagittarian]

 In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a
                    beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.
                   
                    Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight
                    mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her
                    turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt
                    was too tight to allow her leg to come up to
                    the height of the bus' first step.
                   
                    So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to
                    the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped
                    her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough
                    slack to raise her leg.
                   
                    Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to
                    discover she still could not make the step.


                    So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached
                    behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a
                    second time she attempted the step and once again,
                    much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
                   
                    So with a coy little smile to the driver she again
                    unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more
                    slack and again was unable to make the step.
                   
                    About this time the big Texan that was behind her
                    in the line picked her up easily from the waist and
                    placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well,
                    she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,
                    screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!!

                    I don't even know who you are!!''
                   
                    At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally
                    I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly
                    three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''

[Helen]

Ohhhhh, LMAO!!! That one was great!!  :)) :)) :))

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) omg that was so cute love the last of it :))

[SexySagittarian]

                                        Fellow Husbands:

Please be aware that as your wives age, it is harder for them to
maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are 
oversensitive,  and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is, Frank

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Martha.
When I  was laid off from my consulting job and took early retirement in
April,  it became necessary for Martha to get a full-time job, both for
Extra  income and for the health insurance benefits we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to
  Show  her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
gets home from work, and although she knows how hungry I am, she   
rests an  hour or so before she start dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the  club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked  grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates
this  as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot.
Telling  people what they ought to do is one of my strong points.

Also, now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so
much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement, and
sometimes  she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't
make a big issue of this, just as long as she finishes up the
laundry the  next evening.

I'm willing to overlook her shortcomings in this area. Unless I
need  something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to the
Wednesday and Saturday poker club, or to Tuesday's and Thursday's
bowling, I'll tell her to wait until the next evening to do the
ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends
like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. If I had a really
bad  day on the golf course and it was wet and muddy, and my clubs are a
mess,  I  let her clean them, you know, getting the grit off the grips and a
little light Brillo on the club faces. Since my golf bag is heavy,
I  lift it out of the trunk for her.

Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as
good as men. But I had to tell her that I don't like to be wakened
during  my  after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in
the  trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly  bills  during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse,
so I  just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over  two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think
tact is  one of  my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods.She had to take a break when she was only half finished 
mowing  the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to
fix  herself  a nice, big, cold glass of fresh squeezed lemonade and just sit for
a  while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well  make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way we
can  talk until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint
in  the way I support Martha, but I'm not saying that showing this
much  consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will
consider  that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

Regards,

Frank


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Frank died suddenly Thursday, August 19th. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Golf Driver rammed up his
Rectum with  only two inches of grip showing.
His wife Martha was arrested, but after the jury read this letter,
They  accepted her defense that he accidentally
sat on it. She was released from custody on Friday.

[Helen]

Again, good one.  :)) :))

[nightperson]

yes very much so very good one :)) :))

[WhitePanther]

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

[Tara]

Cute prayer   :))

[WhitePanther]

A mother and father took Little johnny to a nude beach. As the boy walked
along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than
his mother's, and asked her why.

She told Little johnny, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Little johnny, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his
dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy
is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the
dumber he gets."

[SexySagittarian]

 :)) :)) :))

[WhitePanther]

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.




Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.




"But I need it really bad," said the man.




"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.




The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."




The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."




On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.




The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"




The man said, "No one showed up".

[ClingFree]

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.




Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.




"But I need it really bad," said the man.




"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.




The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."




The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."




On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.




The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"




The man said, "No one showed up".

:))

[WhitePanther]

Dear Tide:

    I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a
month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact,
the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[Tara]

Dear Tide:

    I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a
month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact,
the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

LOL...good one

[Helen]

 :D    :))