Homer's Laugh House

[SexySagittarian]

 As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died
while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way
back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw
the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. The
workers gathered around, still eating their lunch! I poured out my heart and
soul.
>
> As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord,"
and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from
> Genesis all the way to Revelation. I closed the lengthy service with
a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man
and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in
spite of my tardiness.
>
>
> As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of
the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before . .
. and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
>

[Bree]

To funny Pogo.... :))

[SexySagittarian]

DARWIN Award Winners:

  1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California,  would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
  He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

  2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around,  submitted a claim to his insurance company.  The company,  expecting  negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried  the machine and lost a finger.  The  chef's claim was approved.

  3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during  a blizzard in Chicago returned with his  Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.  Understandably,  he shot  her.

  4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean  bus driver  found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed  to be transporting from  Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.  Not  wanting to admit his incompetence,  the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a  free ride.  He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,  telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to  bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

  5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from  serious head  wounds received from an oncoming train. When  asked how he received the  injuries, the lad told police that  he was simply trying to see how close  he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

  6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,  and asked for change.   When the clerk opened the  cash drawer, the man  pulled a gun and asked for all the cash  in the register, which the clerk  promptly provided. The man  took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving  the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the  drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you  money, is a  crime committed?)

  7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor  store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and  heaved it over his head at the window. The  cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking  him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole  event was caught on videotape.

  8. As a  female shopper exited a New York convenience store,  a man grabbed her purse and ran.  The clerk called 911  immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of  the snatcher. Within minutes, the police  apprehended the snatcher.  They put him in the car and drove back to the  store. The thief was then taken out of the car  and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,  officer, that's her.  That's the lady I stole  the purse from."

  9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m.,  flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash  register without a  food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the  clerk said  they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated,  walked away.

  A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
  10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a  Seattle street, he got much more than he  bargained for.  Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled  up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
  A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline  and plugged his siphon hose into the motor  home's sewage tank by mistake.  The owner of the vehicle declined to press  charges, saying that it was the best laugh  he'd ever had.

[SexySagittarian]

 

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[SexySagittarian]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder during 2006


Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.



Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.



Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.



Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.



Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?



Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:  We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[Bree]

SENIOR  CITIZENS  ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF  AIDS!


HEARING  AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROL AIDS

WALKING AIDS  

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF  ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!


 Give me the grace to see a  joke,
To get some humor out of life,

And pass it on to  other folk.

I love to see you smile.

[Bree]

Two rednecks walk into a bar.  While having a beer, they begin to talk about their trucks, when suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.  After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"  the woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"  The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.  As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!"

[SexySagittarian]

that's funny   :)) :)) :))

[SexySagittarian]

~~~~~Some Christian Humor


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"
said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It
seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you
'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (this one is my favorite)


========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."


========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

________

[Bree]

Thank you and so are your jokes... :))

[SexySagittarian]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at a local brothel.



The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."



The manager does as he is told and the two men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home, the first man says, " You know, I think my girl was dead."



"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"



"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."



His friend replied " Well, I think mine was a witch."



"A witch. Why the heck would you say that?"



"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and when I gave her a little bite, she farted and flew out the window!"

[SexySagittarian]

BRAIN CRAMPS




(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."

Mariah Carey

````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other partof my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice President


```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

``````````



"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much

clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

```````````



"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


````````````````````````````````````````````


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?

[Bree]

The cure


Jerry went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I
get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year,"
said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week,
and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked
the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[SexySagittarian]

what a smart bartender! :)) :)) :))

[Bree]

Yes he was..... :))

[SexySagittarian]

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a Minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
------------

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked  "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
------------

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's behind."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.

"You're right," he said, "it does..."

[SexySagittarian]

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.


I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

[SexySagittarian]

Wedding Anniversary
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife
found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday

[SexySagittarian]

ubject: Fw: well duh!
     

            This has got to be one of the funniest
I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story
from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care
department.

            Needless to say, the Help Desk employee
was fired, however he is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without
Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former
WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why
they record these conversations)

            starts here:

            Employee--"Rich Hall, Computer Assistance;
may I help you?"

            Customer--"Yes, well, I'm having trouble
with WordPerfect."

            Employee--"What sort of trouble?"

            Customer--"Well, I was just typing along,
and all of a sudden, the words went away."

            Employee--"Went away?"

            Customer--"They disappeared."

            Employee--"Hmmm So what does your screen
look like now?"

            Customer--"Nothing."

            Employee--"Nothing?"

            Customer--"It's a blank; it won' t accept
anything when I type."

            Employee--"Are you still in WordPerfect,
or did you get out?"

            Customer--"How do I tell?"

            Employee--"Can you see the 'C:' prompt on
the screen?"

            Customer--"What is a sea prompt?"

            Employee--"Never mind, can you move your
cursor around the screen?"

            Customer--"There isn't any cursor; I told
you, it won't accept anything I type."

            Employee--"Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"

            Customer--"What's a monitor?"

            Employee--"It's the thing with the screen
on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little
light that tells you when it's on?"

            Customer--"I don't know"

            Employee--"Well, then look on the back of
the monitor and find where the power cord goes into
it. Can you see that?"

            Customer--"Yes, I think so."

            Employee--"Great. Follow the cord to the
plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

            Customer--"Yes, it is."

            Employee--"When you were behind the
monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

            Customer--"No."

            Employee--"Well, there are. I need you to
look back there again and find the other cable."

            Customer--"Okay, here it is."

            Employee--"Follow it for me, and tell me
if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."

            Customer--"I can't reach."

            Employee--"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it
is?"

            Customer--"No."

            Employee--"Even if you maybe put your knee
on something and lean way over?"

            Customer--"Oh, it's not because I don't
have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

            Employee--"Dark?"

            Customer--"Yes - the office light is off,
and the only light I  have is coming in from the
window."

            Employee--"Well, turn on the office light
then."

            Customer--"I can't."

            Employee--"No? Why not?"

            Customer--"Because there's a power
failure."

            Employee--"A power.......a power
failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've  got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing
stuff your computer came in?"

            Customer--"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."

            Employee--"Good.. Go get them, and unplug
your system and pack  it up just like it was when you
got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from".


            Customer--"Really? Is it that bad?"

            Employee--"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

            Customer--"Well, all right then, I
suppose. What do I tell them?"

            Employee--"Tell them you're too stupid to
own a computer...

[SexySagittarian]

An atheist was walking through the woods.  "What majestic trees!  What powerful rivers!  What beautiful animals!," he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look.  He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.  He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.  He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.  He tripped and fell on the ground.  He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.  At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!!!"



Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.



As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you  out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"



"Very well." said the voice.



The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:  "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."