Homer's Laugh House

[SexySagittarian]

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out
of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be
sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

[SexySagittarian]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the
warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20
or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

[Bree]

You are on a roll tonight PogoSlave...... :))

[SexySagittarian]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several
nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.   He slowed down to
investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for
you,
one for me."  He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the bend he met an
old
man with a cane, hobbling along.  "Come here quick," said the boy,  "you
won't believe what I heard!!!  Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery
dividing up the souls."  The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's
hard
for me to walk."  When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for
you, one for me..."   The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling
the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord."  Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.  The
old
man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence, tighter and
tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.  At last they heard,
"One
for you, one for me."  "That's all."  "Now let's go get those nuts by
the
fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
boy
on the bike.

[SexySagittarian]

I am trying to get my posts up to 500 Bree :))

[SexySagittarian]

What I Want in a Man, Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)


1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10 Shaves some weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[Bree]

I am trying to get my posts up to 500 Bree :))

Well I think you will make it PogoSlave.... :)

[SexySagittarian]

 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
>and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night and went to sleep. Some
>hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up
>at the sky and tell me what you see."
>
>Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
>
>"And," Holmes asked, "what does that tell you?"
>
>Watson pondered for a moment.
>
>"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
>potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is
>in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter
>past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we
>are but small and insignificant and finally, meteorologically, I suspect
>that that we will have a beautiful day for hiking tomorrow. What does it
>tell you, Holmes?"
>
>Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
>
>"It tells me, Watson, that some bastard has stolen our tent."

[SexySagittarian]

Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
>you in a while.
>   What happened? You look terrible."
>
>"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
>
>"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
>
>"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine 
>now"
>
>"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
>
>"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
>My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
>
>"What about that eye patch?"
>
>"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.
>I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
>
>"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
>some bird poop."
>
>"It was my first day with the hook."

[SexySagittarian]

Funeral For a Farm Wife
>An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
>morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
>something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with
>his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his
>wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade,
>sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
>   Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it
>just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both
>hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the
>spot.
>   At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
>odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
>for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
>approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
>disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
>farmer about it.
>   So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
>him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
>head and disagreed with all the men.
>   The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something
>about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
>head in agreement."
>   "And what about the men?" the minister asked.
>   "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[SexySagittarian]

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

[SexySagittarian]

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.   She ays, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.  She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"  said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.  We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[Bree]

PogoSlave, they have a program I have on my computer that is called "email stripper".  You can download it at this website.......http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm and this is what it is for.....

EmailStripper is a free program for cleaning the ">" and other formatting characters out of your emails. It will restore "forwarded"

or "replied" emails back to their original state so they're easier to read.

[hades]

lol  :))

[SexySagittarian]

PogoSlave, they have a program I have on my computer that is called "email stripper".  You can download it at this website.......http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm and this is what it is for.....

EmailStripper is a free program for cleaning the ">" and other formatting characters out of your emails. It will restore "forwarded"

or "replied" emails back to their original state so they're easier to read.

ty  Bree I downloaded the program. I'm not sure what you are saying it will do but I will play around with it

[Bree]

It takes all the "> " out of the emails you get.  You just copy and paste it in the email stripper and then press strip it and all of the ">" will come out of the email.  It makes it easier to read.

[SexySagittarian]

oh,  ok I'll definately give it a try then.  Thanks again!

[Bree]

You are welcome... :)

[nightperson]

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

now that was to cute

[WhitePanther]

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE -

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences...
      He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
               

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
                   
11.. Out of my mind...Be back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil - the stuffy, sneezy,  why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning  medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
                       
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not  One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew  up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
         
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music!
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson!!
30.. I smile so much because I don't know what the hell is going on!!!!