Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

Here you go. This will fit better. O0

[Butterfly Fairy]

Oh thank you Homer, that was so nice of you!!  O0

[Homer]

Your welcome. :)

[BadgeHelpBill]

This guy goes into the doctor's office and notices the beautiful receptionist. He watches her discreetly and makes plans to ask her out after his appointment.

When he goes into the exam room, the doctor comes in and says "Well, I've got some good new and some bad news."

"Oh my god... wha- what's the bad news?" Asks the man.

"You only have a week to live." Replies the Doctor.

"Oh man... What's the good news?" The bewildered man asks.

The Doctor says, "I'm screwin' the receptionist!"

[Homer]

Cooking Problems 

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"  :P

[Adacia]

  my friend and I were browsing this topic for hours last night lmao! Great posts here. Thx so much for the laughs O0

[Homer]

Your welcome. :)

[BadgeHelpBill]

This is a true story:

Since I am from a rather large family, we swap names for Christmas and to help each other out, we also include a gift suggestion. Last year, while shopping for my wife, my sister went to the music store in the mall in search of the item my wife had written down. After looking extensively, she finally asked the store manager if he could help her locate the CD "Home Sweet Home by Yankee Candle."

After a long pause, he looked at her, amused, and said, "Ma'am, Yankee Candle is a candle."

[Homer]

Prison VS Being a Housewife

In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison they take take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

[Homer]

Phone Messages

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly.

So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

"Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have plenty of money."  :P

[Homer]

Flat Tire

Two guys were taking a chemistry class at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final with a solid "A." They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, because they had hangovers, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final, they found their professor after it was over and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tire on the way back. Since they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved.

The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

The first problem, worth five points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they both thought. "This is going to be easy."

The next problem was worth 95 points. It said, "Which tire?" :P

[LadyMystik]

Here's a political one...hope it doesn't offend anyone :)

ruise Ship for Liberals Planned by Caramel

We at Caramel Cruise Lines are not forgetting that a lot of entertainers promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be re-elected President.

With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise!

Attention: Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her "wife", Ed Asner, Janneane Garafalo, Whoopi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner (apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, and the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new homes in Afghanistan.

You may opt to be dropped off at the Gaza Strip, Somalia, Iraq, Iran, or some similar sunny location en route.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a farewell parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay... at least FOUR MORE YEARS.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

We have lined up an exciting crew to make your cruise more enjoyable.

Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, John Edwards as cruise director, and Gray Davis, as Purser. Teresa Heinz Kerry will be kept below decks, well away from the media.

Monica Lewinsky will be the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl". Entertainment will be provided by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, and movies will be shown each evening by Michael Moore.

John Kerry will be our Life Guard based on his past experience of pulling people out of the water. He is also in charge of games and has eliminated "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard". Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing.

Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and back-up Life Guard. He only qualifies as back-up Life Guard since his past experience in rescuing people from drowning has not been too successful.

Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will provide inspirational services, and Al Franken will give motivational talks each afternoon.

Al Gore will present a series of lectures on "How I Got Over Defeat." Tom Daschle and Martin Frost have already signed up to attend the lectures.

Unfortunately George Soros cannot be with us. He doesn't have enough money left to pay for his ticket.

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please contact Senator Hillary Clinton. Her "village" can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

The Swift Boat Veterans flotilla will provide escort for the "Elation" out to the three-mile limit, just to make sure that everyone leaves.

Bon Voyage!

[Homer]

Judi calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Hi, can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York city?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute . . . "

"Thank you," Judi says and hangs up.  :P ::)

[samtheman]

 A BLOKE and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van
when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.

"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex

you have ever had" she screamed.

So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping
her with it.

Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look
at some infected cuts that she had on her back.

The doctor said: "These are really badly infected.  I bet you got them

making wild passionate love didn't you?''

"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.

"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen'.'

[samtheman]

"Globalization"

Question: What is the truest definition
of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

  Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.


This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladesh workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization.

[Homer]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice, Johnny's, at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."  :P >:D ::)

[Santa69]

[Homer]

Hey, What's The Definition Of . . .

Abusive: What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?

Blasphemous: Goddammit, I told you not to ask!

Conditional: Well, it depends.

Damnation: You and your questions can go to hell!

Egotistical: I'm the best person to answer that question.

Influenza: You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

Over-Sensitive: How could you ask me a question like that?

Senile: When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.

Suspicious: Why are you asking me all these questions?

[beachbabe]

I still have to say i think the joke about one saggy boob to the other was funny! made me laugh!
im not very good at jokes most of the ones i know of people have already said a million times.
but just incase you didnt hear it yet.

why did the blonde get fired from the m & m factory?

    a.  she kept eating all the w's

A blonde bought an A.M radio.

  It took her month to figure out she could listen to it at night.

You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend
and only come back with one gift.

yes im blonde so i hear them all ::)

[samtheman]

lol...click on the foto