Homer's Laugh House

[nanners]

MORNING!! guys..cute jokes Bree,,

[Luna]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his

little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such

innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God

had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.  "Daddy, what are those two

spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she

asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl

asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear, both of them are

Daddy Longlegs."  The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped

them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay "s double hockey sticks t" in our garden." she said.

LOL i like that one Bree  :))

[SaintHiρρo]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" asked the priest.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase ... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison ...."Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.... "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Luna]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" asked the priest.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase ... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison ...."Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.... "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

:)) :)) Thats a good one

[WhitePanther]

A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching.  So she decided to place an ad in the  newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.

One was  homosexual and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the homosexual man, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow ! said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night.

One o'clock came, and he didn't return.  Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly."Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, ! "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[SexySagittarian]

I didn't see that one coming!  :)) :)) :)) :))

[Helen]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" asked the priest.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase ... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison ...."Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.... "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Good one Hippo!! Thanks  :))

[hades]

lol nice one  :))

[WhitePanther]

[Helen]

A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching.  So she decided to place an ad in the  newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.

One was  homosexual and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the homosexual man, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow ! said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night.

One o'clock came, and he didn't return.  Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly."Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, ! "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Good one Panther.  :D :D

[nanners]

Me and my other half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,


" Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer .

:)) :)) :))

[Helen]

Me and my other half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,


" Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer .

:)) :)) :))

Hahaha, careful what you ask for.  :))  :)) Good one Nan.

[hades]

great one.lol  ;D

[krispy]

Husband 1.0


    From: Darlene Knowles

    Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed  a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the  flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend  5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed  undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no  avail. What can I do?

    Signed,
    Desperate

-------------------------
    Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment  Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should  automatically
install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0  should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers  3.5.

Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause  Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer  6.1.  Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8.  Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in- Law 1.0 or reinstall another  Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash  Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does  have  limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory  and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck,
    Tech Support

[krispy]

As I have matured . . .


I have learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them, hope they panic and give in.

I have learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets

I have learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackazzes.

I have learned that you should not compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I have learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I have learned that age is a high price to pay for maturity.

I have learned that I do not suffer from insanity – I enjoy it.

I have learned that we are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

I have learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I have learned that 99% of the time when something is not working in your home, one of your kids did it.

I have learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.  And the real pains in the azz are permanent.

[krispy]

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring back a memory or two. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

[Helen]

Thanks Krispy, good jokes. I especially liked the Hollywood Squares one.  :))  :))

[hades]

nice jokes  :)

[Helen]

Where's Herman?


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James,  a North Carolina  mountain man,
was drafted by the Army.

On his first  day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army  barber sheared off all his hair.


On his second day, the Army issued  Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked  seven of his teeth.


On the third day, the Army issued  him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[hades]

lmao. ouch  :x