Homer's Laugh House

[krispy]

I think after we get Miss 100 Personalities all settled in the nut house , we should see about getting Bubbles and Krispy locked up in a room with all their signs and stickers..Sheesh it would take them a year to get them all posted . Sometimes I feel like were on a crowded freeway with billboards all in our faces   :)) :))

:P

:))

i can fix that

[justahumping]

Dear Ms. DeShazo, 
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. DeShazo, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. DeShazo have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Linda, CA

MEMO
Re: Mr. Jerry DeShazo's Complaints - 15 Things Mr. DeShazo has done while his wife is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched to see what would happen.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And, last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

[justahumping]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[justahumping]

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it
to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "$25 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $25 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.
     As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the tens even hundreds of thousands, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the now millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"   "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you can make a bronze statue of my wife, her brother and her mother..............
     (OK, for all of you that have seen the original joke, I changed the ending to where it was not raciest)   :oo

[Tara]

I think after we get Miss 100 Personalities all settled in the nut house , we should see about getting Bubbles and Krispy locked up in a room with all their signs and stickers..Sheesh it would take them a year to get them all posted . Sometimes I feel like were on a crowded freeway with billboards all in our faces   :)) :))

:P

:))

i can fix that

Aweee what a shame you deleted everything in your previous post. Defeats the purpose of my post, but then again as long as I know what I am talking about its all good.  :))

[krispy]

I think after we get Miss 100 Personalities all settled in the nut house , we should see about getting Bubbles and Krispy locked up in a room with all their signs and stickers..Sheesh it would take them a year to get them all posted . Sometimes I feel like were on a crowded freeway with billboards all in our faces   :)) :))

:P

:))

i can fix that

Aweee what a shame you deleted everything in your previous post. Defeats the purpose of my post, but then again as long as I know what I am talking about its all good.  :))

i kinda liked my stuff, but i dont want to offend anyone, so that is why i pulled it.  ;D

[triniqueen27]

                                  The Almost Millionaire
> >>When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
> >>sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
> >>So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
> >>beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
> >>breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as the
> >>walked up to her, but in just a week or two, my father will die,
> >>and I'll inherit 20
>million dollars."
> >>Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three
> >>days later, she became his stepmother.
> >>
> >>   Women are so much smarter than men...

[hades]

lol nice.

[justahumping]

I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[justahumping]

I do not remember where I got this one at. I hope it has not been posted yet so here goes.....


A man and his ever-nagging Wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.  While they were there, the  Wife passed away.  The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have  her shipped home  for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about  it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  The  undertaker asked,   "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it  would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only  $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was
buried here, and three  days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take  that chance."

[wattsmyname]

2 Good ones justahumping  :)) :))

[foxx]

                                  The Almost Millionaire
> >>When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
> >>sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
> >>So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
> >>beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
> >>breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as the
> >>walked up to her, but in just a week or two, my father will die,
> >>and I'll inherit 20
>million dollars."
> >>Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three
> >>days later, she became his stepmother.
> >>
> >>   Women are so much smarter than men...

BWAH! 

[hades]

I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

lmao  :))

[krispy]

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop down on High Street. I was only in there for about 10 minutes.

When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to  him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He looked up, then ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a heartless Nazi b*stard. He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. I called him an butt hole and a pig. Then he started writing a third ticket, So I slandered his mother!!!!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a crap. I came downtown by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

[hades]

nice one krispy  :))

[krispy]

list of things to do today:

Use my Mastercard to pay my Visa and vice-versa.

Pop popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them I have other plans.

Make a list of things to do that I have already done.

Fill out my tax form using Roman Numerals.

Tape pictures of my boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

Pay the electric bills in pennies.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Write a short story using alphabet soup.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

Bill the doctor for a time spent in his waiting room.

Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription i get and have them bill me later.

Do my assignments in binary code.

[nanners]

Now THAT is funny krispy.. good one

[krispy]

ty nanners

[crazy_]

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart  with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter  asks, "Are they  twins?"
>
>The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why?  Do you think they really look alike?"
>
>"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice...

:)) :)) :)) :))

[Lynne]

 :)) nice one crazy .. and krispy i loved your posts too  :))