Homer's Laugh House

[maggot_man]

a man was hunting in a forest when he became lost. he stumbled upon a house and when he knocked an ancient Chinese man answered. the man explained how he became lost and asked if the Chinese man could put him up for the night.
certainly the man said but on 1 condition. if you so much as lay one finger on my daughter i will place upon you the 3 Chinese tortures. thinking that the daughter was as ugly as the man that answered the door he agreed and went in.
at supper that evening the daughter came down and when he looked at her she was beautiful but he remembered his promise to the old man and kept it.
he went to bed thinking about how the girl couldn't take her eyes off him supper and couldn't bear it so he snook into the girls room for a night of passion making sure not to make a noise so he didn't wake the old man.
he snook back to his room early in the morning and went to sleep.
he woke a few hour later to find a huge rock on his chest with a not saying Chinese torture 1 large rock on chest. the man thought this is pretty crappy is that all he can do and picked up the rock and through it out of the window. as it fell he noticed another note saying Chinese torture 2 rock tied to left testicle. thinking a few broken bones was better than being castrated he jumped out of the window and to his horror he noticed another note which read Chinese torture 3 right testicle tied to bed post O0

[Homer]

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".  :P ::)

[Homer]

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out " . . . and I can't remember who she was!"  :P

[BadgeHelpBill]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand
up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood
that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So
he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, look! ed at the teacher, and waited for
a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Jo hnny how he
knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The Math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ !

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's
ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of
the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"

[RocknRollGirl]

Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?


DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!


Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.


Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.


We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.


As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:


You've Got Male!

;) >:D ;)

[samtheman]

[MagicEclipse]

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and
says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no
avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything
he's got, and
accidentally he shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[samtheman]

[Homer]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"


Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."


Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers


Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

[samtheman]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called
out to them, "Do you mind if I join you?  My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."  So they started playing
and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.  Part way
around the course,one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do
for a living?"

"I'm a hitman," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out
a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescope sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look?  I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house.  "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight
is
fantastic.  I can see right in the window."  "Wow, I can see my wife in
the
bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked!  What's that?  Wait a minute,
that's my neighbour in there with her.  He's naked as well!
The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot
his
d*ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few
minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can
save you a grand here..."

[Homer]

Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly.
"By-the-way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, Sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."



The Greatest Pick-up Lines Of All Time

If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.

Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you!

Thats a nice shirt. Could I talk you out of it?

Are you religious? Cause Im the answer to all your prayers!


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.


A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."


Saint Peter was at the gates of Heaven interviewing this man. He said, "You haven't done anything bad, but you haven't anything good either. If you tell me just one good thing that you've done, I'll let you in." "Well," the man replied, "I was traveling on the road when I saw a group of thugs robbing a woman. So I went up to them and shouted for them to stop. Unfortunately, things got a little out of hand and I ended up punching out their leader. Then I challenged everyone else of the group to fight me." "Wow," Saint Peter said, "That is good. When did it happen?" "About 2 minutes ago."


A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?" The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."


A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" The doctor asked. No, you idiot! The man shouted, "This is her husband!"


3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

[c154377]

A former vietnam soldier returns home and heads to the bar. He is about to celebrate his 20th year in the service as he just been honorably discharged into retirement. He orders a beer when a lady walks in and sits next to him. He buys her a round and she smiles as she says thanks. A few moments later the lady looks to the soldier and says "Excuse me sir...Your zipper is down". The soldier calmly asks "Did you see a brave soldier standing at attention?" The lady has kind of a puzzled look on her face then replies"Nope i saw a crippled veteran sitting on two sandbags"

[maggot_man]

any1 heard of theese books?

the short skirt by seymore leg
sh*t on the wall by hu flung dung
bits 'n' pieces by mike rotch
the itchy bite by amos quito
aches and pains by arthur itus
the book of jokes by joe king

if any1s seen theese books let me know  O0

[bob@pogopal]

You forgot Antlers in the Treetops by Hugus Damoos and The Friendly Circumciser by Rabbi Hukutcherpekerov

[Homer]

Charlie, a regular at the local pub, walks in one day with four sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest. The bartender looks at him and yells"Charlie, why the heck do you have that dynamite strapped to your chest?
Charlie answers, "You know that new guy who's been coming in all the time lately? The one with the big mouth who's always arguing, and calling me stupid, and poking me in the chest everytime he makes a point? Well, he's really got me mad! When he comes in here today, I'll show him. If he calls me stupid and pokes me in the chest one more time, I'm going to blow his hand off.  :P ::)


Questions to IAMS Pet Food Company

I have trouble seeing what I'm scooping in my yard. Can your food turn my dog's poop pink?

My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it okay for her to eat it?

What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?

My dog growls in his sleep -- do you think he could have a vitamin B deficiency?

I think if my dog received mail, it would build his character. Can I register him on your mailing list?

How do I potty train my pot belly pig?

What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and dance for her.

[Homer]

Help the cat drank all the beer! :P

[maggot_man]

i found another book
a pain in the ass by ben dover

[samtheman]

1. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide
is that considered a hostage situation?
2. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges
didn't live there.
3. So what's the speed of dark?
5. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you
pack it in?
6. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live
above me are furious.
7. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
8. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people
at the Special Olympics?
9. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
10. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
11. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to
be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
12. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you
know the battery is weak?
13. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?

14. Why are they called buildings, when they're already
finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
16. Why do banks charge you a "in-sufficient funds fee" on
money they already know you don't have?
17. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that
the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
18. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the
other way?
19. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to
see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
20. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
21. Why do scientists call it research when looking for
something new?

22. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the
opposite of progress?
23. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial
ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
24. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
25. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
28. What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?
29. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
30. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
31. Do married people live longer than single people, or
does it just SEEM longer?
32. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

[LadyMystik]

any1 heard of theese books?

the short skirt by seymore leg
sh*t on the wall by hu flung dung
bits 'n' pieces by mike rotch
the itchy bite by amos quito
aches and pains by arthur itus
the book of jokes by joe king

if any1s seen theese books let me know  O0

What about Yellow Streams by I. P. Freely?

---------------------------------------

33. Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
34. Why is a package on a ship called cargo, and a package in a car called shipment?
35. If Teflon doesn't stick to anything, how do they get it to stick to the pan?

[samtheman]

Happy xmas.........lol


http://www.2step.dk/images/pic_2002-12-05_000019.swf