Homer's Laugh House

[n8sgirl]

Got this in a email.  Normally I don't read forwards & never do I send them unless they are really good.  But I just thought that I would share this one with all of you lovely people..  It's kinda cute, but stupid at the same time..  So I will appologize now if none of you like it.. lol

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for  an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.  Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing  severe muscle and tendon damage.  The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with

A Misdewiener!  :)))  ;::

[n8sgirl]

Got this one in a forward today..  I thought it was good.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.  As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

    Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
    "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

>:((  :;' :)))

[Luna]

Got this one in a forward today..  I thought it was good.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.  As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

    Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
    "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

>:((  :;' :)))

That was really cute! :)) :)) Thanks for sharing that O0

[liebe_angel]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retire and fall asleep quickly. He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower bunk. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying: "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own *darn* blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted

[justahumping]

The Three Bears  (The Real Story)

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and looks at the table at his small bowl........... it is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks with all the fierceness he can muster.
Next, Papa Bear arrives at the scene, looks into his big bowl............. it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars and shakes the house.
Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
     "It was Mama Bear who got up first", "It was Mama Bear who woke up everyone in the house", "It was Mama Bear who made the coffee", "It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away", "It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper", "It was Mama Bear who set the table", "It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves downstairs and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy
presence,........ listen good.........'cause I'm only going to say this one more time..............
I HAVEN'T MADE THE #*#*#* PORRIDGE YET!!!!!"

[justahumping]

Female joke

     A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
     The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 . . . . on one condition." (There
are always conditions)
     Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.  Then he replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do  in just three words." (controlling, huh?)
     The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
    She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....
*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"Clean my house."    :))

[hades]

lol.  ;D

[crazy_]

Married 25 years

I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.  It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...............

[hades]

lol.  :)

[foxx]

Female joke

     A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
     The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 . . . . on one condition." (There
are always conditions)
     Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.  Then he replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do  in just three words." (controlling, huh?)
     The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
    She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....
*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"Clean my house."    :))

lmmfao!   :))

[Gecko]

The Long History of Man's Evolution...

   

[wattsmyname]

LMAO :)) :))

[hades]

lol.  :)

[crazy_]

actual charting in hospitals lol  :ooo

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Note: patient here -- recovering from forehead cut. Patient became angry when given an enema by mistake.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

22. Skin: somewhat pale but present

23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[liebe_angel]

lol... and the sad part this actually happens that's one of my many reason for not being a nurse today.

[hades]

lol nice list.

[babygurl424]

haha..i like those... :))

[crazy_]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the
title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but, we're a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The blonde replies, "The airport wanted to charge me two hundred
dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks
for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Not all blondes are dumb.
>
>

[hades]

lmao.  :))

[liebe_angel]

   Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
   To Save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. 
   Noone wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
 
   They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,
   so they voted to take turns,

    The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
    morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
    happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
    watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different deputy's turn.  In the morning,! same
    thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
    happened to you?  You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the
    roof.  I watched him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn.  Frank was a big burly ex-football
    player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
    bushy tailed. Good morning."  They couldn't believe it!
    They said, "Man, what happened?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Daryl into bed
    and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night
    long."