Homer's Laugh House

[crazy_]

 A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore she
kept staring at him.  She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."  He
answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as
I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."   She then went
through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."  The little old lady waved
and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's
day, he went to pay for his groceries.  "That comes to $151.85,"
said the clerk.  "How come so much ... I only bought 4 items.." 
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her
things, too."

[ClingFree]

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore she
kept staring at him.  She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."  He
answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as
I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."   She then went
through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."  The little old lady waved
and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's
day, he went to pay for his groceries.  "That comes to $151.85,"
said the clerk.  "How come so much ... I only bought 4 items.." 
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her
things, too."

Lmao!

[jrzydvl]

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore she
kept staring at him.  She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."  He
answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as
I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."   She then went
through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."  The little old lady waved
and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's
day, he went to pay for his groceries.  "That comes to $151.85,"
said the clerk.  "How come so much ... I only bought 4 items.." 
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her
things, too."

haha

[justahumping]

It's Soooo Hot!



The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Stay cool all   :))

[ClingFree]

It's Soooo Hot!



Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

Gigglesnort ... Anyone else think of T while readin this one?

[Tara]

It's Soooo Hot!



Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

Gigglesnort ... Anyone else think of T while readin this one?

lmao you meanie!! 

[justahumping]

FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
>>>He thought he was God, and I didn't.
=========================
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
>>>Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
=========================
For Sale:
>>>Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake
=========================
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
>>>Before marriage and after marriage.
=========================
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
>>>Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
=========================
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
>>>"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
=========================
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
=========================
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a  living under the laws they've passed.
=========================
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in is hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
=========================
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
=========================
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
>>>Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." >>>Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
>>>Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
=========================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
=========================
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said."Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said,    "I do!"
=========================
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
>>>The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"  The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
>>>A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

[justahumping]

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
     Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."  Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.  The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.   "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"    The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says.  "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet.  Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual.  That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
     He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you.  Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."





"Then you're gay."   ( I changed the last word so to not offend anyone )

[justahumping]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
____________________________________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
____________________________________________________________________
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
_____________________________________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! Why would you say that? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it made a hole in Juan."

______________________________________________________________________

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
____________________________________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants! ?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

______________________________________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Me: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
_____________________________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

______________________________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident. " She replied, "I know that, Grandpa. " He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.

[TmT]

They are all funny, Jump...

Dumbazz -------->A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

lmbaoz

[justahumping]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're
going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom ! and resumed
playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

[kgansor]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're
going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom ! and resumed
playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

:)) lmao

[wattsmyname]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're
going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom ! and resumed
playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

[babygurl424]

One  December day we found an  old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving,  dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair  all matted down. We  felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and  took her  to the  vet.

We didn't know what to call  her, so we  named her "kittycat." The vet decided to keep her for  a day or  so. He said he would let us know when we could come and  get  her.

My husband (the  complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to  wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE  (me) that  wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet  don't see  eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O',  and my  husband calls the  vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They  love to hate each other  and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting  in the last word on this particular  occasion.

The next day my  husband  had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in  the same  building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting  room and office  was full of people waiting to see the   doctor.

A side door opened and  the vet leaned in - he had  obviously seen my husband arrive. He  looked straight at my  husband and in a loud voice said,

"Your  wife's  kitty doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved,  so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I  think  she's pregnant.

God  only knows who the father is!" Then  he closed the  door.

Now THAT, my friends, is  getting  even!

[justahumping]

 :))

[jrzydvl]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're
going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom ! and resumed
playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

lmao  :)) :))

[Homer]

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
Jack Benny

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Jack Benny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

[justahumping]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of  your control- top panty hose."   While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
   This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "winkie"  With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

[justahumping]

Subject:  please send $

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

___________________

Reply from dad...
Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

[justahumping]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant
having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's
the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing, but I think I've got that going right
now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing
goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not
think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems
to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf
if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle
of the fairway ! and call to me. I listen for the sound
of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when
I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the
ball toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in
front of the hole and call to me with his head on the
ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play
a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously,
so I only play for money, and never play for less than
$10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks ! it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when
would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."