Homer's Laugh House

[justahumping]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when
  all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into
  his own hands!
  This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
  license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

  DANGEROUS:     What's for dinner?
  SAFER:     Can I help you with dinner?
  SAFEST:     Where would you like to go for dinner?
  ULTRASAFE:     Here, have some chocolate.

  DANGEROUS:     Are you wearing that?
  SAFER:     Gee, you look good in brown.
  SAFEST:     WOWLook at you!
  ULTRASAFE:     Here, have some chocolate.

  DANGEROUS:     What are you so worked up about?
  SAFER:     What did I do wrong?
  SAFEST:     Here's fifty dollars.
  ULTRASAFE:     Here, have some chocolate.

  DANGEROUS:     Should you be eating that?
  SAFER:     You know, th ere are a lot of apples left.
  SAFEST:     Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
  ULTRASAFE:     Here, have some chocolate.

  DANGEROUS:     What did you do all day?
  SAFER:     I hope you didn't overdo it today.
  SAFEST:     I've always loved you in that robe!
  ULTRASAFE:     Here, have some more chocolate.


  13 Things PMS Stands For:


  1.    Pass My Shotgun
  2.    Psychotic Mood Shift
  3.    Perpetual Munching Spree
  4.    P uffy Mid-Section
  5.    People Make me Sick
  6.    Provide Me Sweets
  7.    Pardon My Sobbing
  8.    Pimples May Surface
  9.    Pass My Sweatpants
  10.   Pissy Mood Syndrome
  11.   Plainly ... Men Suck
  12.   Pack My Stuff........



  And my favorite one...

  13.   Potential Murder Suspect

[david/ross]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked they were doing.

"Were supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we dont have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Aint just like a dumb broad! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

[justahumping]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40-caliber, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

...................................................................


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

What do the European courts say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few a days and try to come to a consensus.



..................................................................



Republican's Answer:

BANG!


...................................................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[justahumping]

 FINALLY A SMART BLOND

  A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.

  The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to  a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title,
and everything  checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.  The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh  at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
  An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
  Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
  The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very  nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
  The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be  there when I return?"

[justahumping]

 TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

[justahumping]

Subject: Two doctors LOL




One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers.

They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both
   doctors.

After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep
   together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom
   and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.

She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and
   they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman,
   "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman.

"You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"

"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback.

"How did you know?"

The woman answers, "I didn't feel a fricking thing.    :))

[justahumping]

 Blonde Alligator Joke...

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out

"SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[justahumping]

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is asocial worker in her mid twenties These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,  I'm not even sure the baby I'm
carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two
years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost,
but I don't know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted
with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week
for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to  a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what
do I do?

[justahumping]

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their  lives.  It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him
every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball
all  our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.  Sam, you have to do me one favor.  When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe,
you've been  my best friend many years.  This favor, if it is at all
possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights
later.  Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of
white light and a voice calls out to him,

Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

  "Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've
got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again.  Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.  And best of all, we can play baseball all time.

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"







You're pitching next Tuesday"

[justahumping]

Now this one is clever....    :))

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a small sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but at least I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde every night.

Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king size bed and plasma screen TV, bu t now I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."


My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10 inch black & white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ....

[david/ross]

good 1 justahumping
:))

[sherilynn]

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are married



The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"



Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around

3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the

cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,

realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when

totally

smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)



The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him

"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that

one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?,

he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,

"Oh. Shit." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another

3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee

table and farted."

:ooo

[Lynne]

lmao that is great.  :))

[hades]

lol.  ;D

[justahumping]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her  nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[justahumping]

I do not remember if this one has been posted or not?


Subject: 20 ways to maintain your sanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling
diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious
face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical
sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.

[justahumping]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. 
The old lady stepped back and said,
     "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." What part of broke do you not understand?   :)))

[justahumping]

POORLY THOUGHT OUT DOMAIN NAMES...
(Seriously, I couldn't even make this stuff up and they are REAL!)
( I left off all the  www.'s, Homer, I hope this is not against the rules?  If so please let me know?)

1. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
   ... penisland.net   :)))

2. How about a site called "Who Represents" - where you can find the name
of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name -- wait for it
-- is ... wh@represents.com  (replace the @ with a , well you know)

3. Experts Exchange - a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views - visit them at ... expertsexchange.com     :))

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at ...
      therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company - oh, yeah!
  - at... powergenitalia.com      :))

6. And, then we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales at
     ... molestationnursery.com   OMG!

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always ...
       ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
    ... cummingfirst.com   (I liked to have fell over on this one)

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website at
    ... speedofart.com   (sounds like some of my friends)

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
         ... gotahoe.com   (No commet)

[justahumping]

another that I dont remember if I have posted or not?

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER: (For real people)

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is asocial worker in her mid twenties These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
===================================
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
===================================
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,  I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
===================================
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.
===================================
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
===================================
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
===================================
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
===================================
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.    :))
===================================
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
===================================
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?    :)))
===================================

[justahumping]

POWER OUTAGE DURING A  MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment.  I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"  This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and  crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket  science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare  the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this  machine.  It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds.  Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice.. .it's Spandex.  We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm.  Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered.  I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me  off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!  Complete darkness and the power went off!

"What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working.  Bet they hit a snag."  Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me!  You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy.  The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!"  she disappeared.  And  that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as  much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I did, thanks."

"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said.  "Oh I am soooo sorry!  The power came back on and I totally forgot about you!  And silly me, I went to lunch.  Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........     :))