Homer's Laugh House

[Butterfly Fairy]

 A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
> animated conversation.
>
>
> The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
> galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
>
>
> "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
> once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
> twice. Then I come one lasta time."
>
>
> "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
>
>
> "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
> lives."
>
>
> "Hey, coola down lady," said the man! . "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
> justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."
>
>

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

A man gets drafted for the marines and has to take a piss test before basic. He doesnt want to go so he has his wife , daughter and dog piss in the bottle then finishes filling the bottle himself. A few days later some marines come to his door with his test results."Quite interesting results you have " the gunny says. Would you like to hear the outcome? he asks. Sure the guy says sure of himself that he got out of this . The gunny then explains your wife is going through menopause your daughter is addicted to cocaine your dog is in heat and your ass is going to the marine corps. :P Semper Fi

[Dream Faerie]

A man gets drafted for the marines and has to take a piss test before basic. He doesnt want to go so he has his wife , daughter and dog piss in the bottle then finishes filling the bottle himself. A few days later some marines come to his door with his test results."Quite interesting results you have " the gunny says. Would you like to hear the outcome? he asks. Sure the guy says sure of himself that he got out of this . The gunny then explains your wife is going through menopause your daughter is addicted to cocaine your dog is in heat and your ass is going to the marine corps. :P Semper Fi

Ha ha ha ha ha LMAO!! Good one!  O0

[Santa69]

Find 9 people,





click here for a larger pic.https://img118.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img118&image=peoplepuzzle2nj.jpg

[fuzzyferrets]

i found 3 i hate these things. lol >:(

[Buzzman]

Does the baby count as #9?  If so, I found them all.

[fuzzyferrets]

i thought it was a dog

[Buzzman]

No, the baby in the mother's arms.

Wait, there is one in the wall, nevermind.

[fuzzyferrets]

ok i see that one now

[maggot_man]

i think i got 8 O0 sorry that marking is roughly done

[Homer]

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I . . . didn't pinch that girl!"

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."  :P

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

A man decides that he and his wife would like to have a child after being married 8 years. But to no avail after 2 more years she just cant get pregnant so she goes and gets tested. The results come back fine she says it must be him. Finally she talks him into getting tested so he goes to his appointment with his wife present. The doctor calls them into the room and hands them a steril container with the seal on it. The doctor says there are magazines on the back of the door and to take the sample to the desk when they are done. Finally 4 hours later the doctor comes into the room and the man is in tears with no sample in the container. The doctor asks "whats wrong you dry or something?" the man replies : I tried my hand i tried my left hand i tried both hands, my wife tried her right hand tried her left hand tried both of her hands and even tried her teeth. the doctor asks so you dont got any reserves kinda puzzled? the man says no damn it we cant get the lid off this container for nothing! :P

[bob@pogopal]

MaggotMan,

There are actually two people in the left-most circle you drew. One facing out at the viewer and a profile facing to the right.

[maggot_man]

o yea shows how good my sight is  :-\ and do u think we can get an aces up auto pls  O0

[Homer]

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."

"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?"

[samtheman]

beer crash in the netherlands, last week.

[Homer]

D'oh! :'(

[samtheman]

Subject: AIRLINE QUOTES 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1) On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!"

2) On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3) On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4) There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane"

5) "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fell. WHOA!"

7) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as heck everything has shifted."

8) From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

9) "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favourite."

10) Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11) Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12) "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

13) And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14) Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15) Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"

16) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


18) After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."

19) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."

20) Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21) A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"

[Buzzman]

beer crash in the netherlands, last week.

That's Alcohol abuse

[Homer]

Good one Buzzman. Good Luck today. I think Eli will need it. ;)