Homer's Laugh House

[justahumping]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago"     :))

[justahumping]

Verily I say unto ye.......... Money
 
It can buy a house   
But not a home

It can buy a clock   
But not time

It can buy you a position   
But not respect
 
It can buy you a bed   
But not sleep

It can buy you a book
But not knowledge
 
It can buy you medicine   
But not health

It can buy you blood   
But not life
 
So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you this because I am your friend
And as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering!!
            So
Send me all your money and I will suffer for you!
          Cash only please!
 
After all, what are friends for, huh??     :)))

[justahumping]

Osama Gets His

     While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle along the way and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"  "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
     Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you! "The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
     The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.     :)))

[SexySagittarian]

 :))

[justahumping]

Nice to see you smile sweetness

[SexySagittarian]

Nice to see you smile sweetness

Thanks J ;)usta. I left you a message in the Watering  Hole

[xgingerx]

             A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....


            I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador
            Retriever and was in line to check out.

            A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

            On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
            although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
            time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
            ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

            I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way  that it
            works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply  eat one
            or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally  complete
            so I was going to try it again.

            I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
            enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

            Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
            hospital.

            I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my azz and a  car hit me.

            I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door. :)) :))

[Lynne]

Gigglesnort  :)) :))

[david/ross]

good 1 xgingerx  :))  :))

[tponka]

 :D Good for you!  Stupid people suck.  ;)

[nightperson]

really good 1 there :))

[Sassy]

OMG LMAO @ the mammogram one.  I would have done the same thing lol
:;'

[justahumping]

I feel so sorry for you ladies when you have to have a mammogram   :xx

[xgingerx]

here's a cute one :))) ifin you heard it laugh anyway :))

lil boy goes to church...sunday school teacher ask the class what part of the body do you think goes to heaven first.

lil boy put's his hand up teacher say's what do you think?

lil boy say's i think your legs go first...teacher say's why do you think that?

lil boy say's Well last night i heard my mommy say OMG i'm comeing..if daddy hadn't been on top of her holding her down we would have lost her for sure.... :)) :))

[Lynne]

gigglesnortandpee  :-\  :))

[justahumping]

Gotta love those Italians!!

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.  He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. 
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.  Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened?  He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."

[justahumping]

Folks.....   I didn't do the survey, just passing the results along.

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about "Oral Sex":





a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

[justahumping]

DOOR SIGN HUMOR
Sign
Over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."


In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose? "
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck : "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."


Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don 't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

[TmT]

Gotta love those Italians!!

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.  He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. 
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.  Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened?  He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."

:ooo

[hades]

lol.  :))