Homer's Laugh House

[Swámpßàby §]

ewww.. sounds like some men I know

[justahumping]

For those of us who are still gainfully employed  these hints are for you! Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.  Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will not be tolerated.We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.  Therefore, this list of 20 New and
Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in a constructive manner.
Please keep them handy.   

1)     TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2)     TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3)     TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work some overtime. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4)     TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5)     TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: Bullsh__!
6)     TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7)     TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8)     TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9)     TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10)   TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11)   TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12)  TRY SAYING: Excuse me? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13)  TRY SAYING: I'm sorry it didn't meet your needs. INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14)  TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Like I give a sh__.
15)  TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16)  TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17)  TRY SAYING: Do you need me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18)  TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
19) TRY SAYING: I think he misunderstood. INSTEAD OF: What a dumb-f____.
20) TRY SAYING: We make a great team. INSTEAD OF: What a bunch of f___ing idiots.

Thank You,Human Resources   :))

[xx_mandy_xx]

i could try but its not as fun....i got a potty mouth  :)))

:))

[justahumping]

IRISH PRIEST IN TEXAS...

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[nightperson]

 omg  :))

[justahumping]

 :)))   I thought that one was too funny NOT to post

[wattsmyname]

good one  :)) :))

[justahumping]

Words of wisdom, By  Homer  :)))


When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.

There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.

Kids are like monkeys, only louder.

If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.

You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me -- it'll save you a lot of hassle.

You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.

I enjoy the great taste of Duff. Yes, Duff is the only beer for me. Smooth, creamy Duff . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! cookies.

You may think it's easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions.

There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten.

The intelligent man wins his battles with pointed words. I'm sorry -- I meant sticks. Pointed sticks.

There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them -- starting with 8. I've always hated 8.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "My God! He's covered in some sort of goo," I'd be a rich man.

Be generous in the bedroom -- share your sandwich.

I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.

Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that dang ruby-throated South American warbler.

I don't need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself.

Sometimes I think there's no reason to get out of bed . . . then I feel wet, and I realize there is.

Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It's not funny. It can really happen.

Even though it is awesome and powerful, I don't take no guff from the ocean.

I never ate an animal I didn't like.

A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.   :))

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something.

I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.   :)))

Never leave your car keys in a reactor core.

Always trust your first instinct -- unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.

When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness.

If a spaceship landed and aliens took me back to their planet and made me their leader, and I got to spend the rest of my life eating doughnuts and watching alien dancing girls and ruling with a swift and merciless hand? That would be sweet.

I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.

The office is no place for off-color remarks or offensive jokes. That's why I never go there.

My favorite color is chocolate.

Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands.

The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts. 

When that guy turned water into wine, he obviously wasn't thinking of us Duff drinkers.

I love natural disasters because we're allowed to get out of work.

When I'm dead, I'm going to sleep. Oh, man, am I going to sleep.

What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway?

:))

[Tara]

I started reading this on Sunday..is it still Sunday?  :))

Those are some good ones justa..thanks for posting.

[justahumping]

You are welcome. I asked Homer before I posted those. I sure dont need "da man  ;:"  " after me

[CindyLouWho]

 :))  Those were so funny Just, thanks!  Hope you post some more.   ;)

[justahumping]

I will (((((Cindy))))) as soon as I find some more. However, that one is going  to be hard to beat tho  :))

[wattsmyname]

lmao  :))

[gator8_24]

  Ok I've read everyother page of jokes  and thanks for the many laughs!!!!! :))

[gator8_24]

Living Wills


While I was watching the Masters this weekend, my
wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her
that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
.....Sometimes it's tough being married to a
smartass

[gator8_24]

  It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch & a beech, are growing in the woods. A
small tree begins to grow between them & the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell
if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Wipe that smile off your face.

;D

[gator8_24]

Computer's Gender

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be
of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to
everyone
else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible

later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine
("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.


   

[nightperson]

You are welcome. I asked Homer before I posted those. I sure dont need "da man  ;:"  " after me

:oo

[jade2002]

 :)) :)) :))

[nightperson]

You are welcome. I asked Homer before I posted those. I sure dont need "da man  ;:"  " after me

:oo

oh my now he has men after him  :)))