Homer's Laugh House

[justahumping]

You are welcome. I asked Homer before I posted those. I sure dont need "da man  ;:"  " after me

:oo

oh my now he has men after him  :)))

That could have been taken the wrong way hu?

[CindyLouWho]

good ones gator!   :))

[justahumping]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a  royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."  After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"   She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.   After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. 
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
         After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
*****************************************************************
WEDDING NIGHT

Honeymoon at Home: Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.   In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind w hat you think! Eat your lunch And go back to school." ; After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.....  I gave him my airplane glue."

[justahumping]

A  teacher walks into supermarket and buys 1 bar of soap, 1toothbrush, 1tube of toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1pint of milk, 1single serving of cereal, 1can of soup, and 1 16oz can of beer.
The checker says,  "Single aren't you"? 
Why yes, says the teacher, How did you guess? 
He replies, "Because you're Ugly"   :))

[justahumping]

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting  weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to
have a drink. I was shopping with  my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go home where its quiet so
we could  talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and  absent. I asked him what was wrong; he  said nothing. I asked him if it was my  fault that he was upset. He said it  had nothing to do with me and not to  worry.  On the way home I told him that I  loved him, he simply smiled and  kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say I  love you too. When we got home I felt as if
I had lost him, as if he wanted  nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there and watched T.V.  He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go
to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded
to my caress and we made love; I  still felt that he was distracted but I gave him my all. He fell asleep - I  cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

I shot the worst  round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

[justahumping]

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for  $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."  Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents  because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.  "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"
My wife  asked incredulously.  "YES!!"  "I'll take the special."  "How do you want your eggs?"  "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.   She took the two  eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS.. WE'VE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME!!

[justahumping]

Subject: groom's three pals

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating Current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

        DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GAULD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY

[CindyLouWho]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a  royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."  After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"   She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.   After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. 
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
         After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
*****************************************************************
WEDDING NIGHT

Honeymoon at Home: Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.   In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind w hat you think! Eat your lunch And go back to school." ; After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.....  I gave him my airplane glue."

omg that little johnnys at it again,  :))

[CindyLouWho]

Oh Lordy, those were so funny, especially the dentist one! 

[wattsmyname]

[gator8_24]

Thanks for the laughs first thing this morn!! Those were sooo funny , sure glad it was a carnation and not a rose!

[nightperson]

first place i come to when first cup coffee but learn to keep coffee from laptop  !@#$

[justahumping]

I am glad that you (((((Ladies))))) liked them... And if it put a smile on your face, than that makes me happy!

[crazy_]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound
of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more!

[gator8_24]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound
of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more!

The first one our Publix has but yeah, stay away from the paper products!  +++

[CindyLouWho]

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going
to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

[nightperson]

I am glad that you (((((Ladies))))) liked them... And if it put a smile on your face, than that makes me happy!

aww that is so sweet :-[

[justahumping]

 :))

[justahumping]

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least ...

13. Thongs and Depends   :)))

[wattsmyname]

lol  :))