Homer's Laugh House

[justahumping]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,

"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

     COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
   COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
   COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
   COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
   COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
   COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
   COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
   COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
   COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
   COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
   COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
   COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
   COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
   COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
   COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
   COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal, what do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
   COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
   COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
   COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
   COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.
   COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
   COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
   COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
   COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
   COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
   COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
   COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
   COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............................

[justahumping]

Ways To Drive A Woman Crazy


1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally
   different subject.

3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's
   gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer
   her with s ome meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in
   Georgia when your original destination was California .

6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments.

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is
   a valid murder defense in many states.)

[CindyLouWho]

Those were good Just!    :P    :))    Sure be a good way for guys to find themselves living in the doghouse for a while.. :))) :)))

[IndianLover]

love the jokes they are good... then I share them with family to get the laughing... Keep them coming  :<<

[justahumping]

Glad you two liked them. here will be the last ones for a while. I have to go and do my little hospital thing  !@#$  anyways. Enjoy and Merry christmass!

[justahumping]

A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."

[justahumping]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.....
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread ."          :))

[justahumping]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington , DC this Christmas season.  This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.  There was no problem, however, finding enough azzes to fill the stable. 

[CindyLouWho]

Oh my, those were so funny, especially liked the DC 1,   :))   Take care ((((Just)) & see ya when you get back.   

lol had to shorten the hug, kept getting a santa in place of the symbol   :)))

[Homer]

Just can't take some people any where nice!!!!

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice. It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool.. They're years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them.

I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning way, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Dang it, Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

[TmT]

 <:>  :)))

[TmT]

oopz... typed that twice

[david/ross]

 Texas Chili cook-off


If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly.
 
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.




CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure wha t
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an                                                                                                                                                            aphrodisiac?                                                                                                                                                   
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, swe at is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
 
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
wo rried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my rearend with a snow cone.
 
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Merry CHRISTmas

[Homer]

How do you say Merry Christmas to Britney, Paris & Nicole?

Ho, Ho, Ho!!!  <...> :))) :<<

[Homer]

A Boys' Christmas Prayer

Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:

"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."

His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."
The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."

[Homer]

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the creche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.

So, he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And, why did you take Him?", the pastor asked.

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

[Monkey]

How do you say Merry Christmas to Britney, Paris & Nicole?

Ho, Ho, Ho!!!  <...> :))) :<<

:)) :)) :))

[pogo_gamer]

Very Cute  :)))

[justahumping]

Good ones there Homer

[Homer]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart. ?.?