Homer's Laugh House

[fuzzyferrets]

i like the picture of the beer all over the road

[Homer]

Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down to try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie."

The mortician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of strange.

Then he brought Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie."

The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olie had 2 assholes."

"What? He had 2 assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had 2 assholes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olie with them 2 assholes!"  :P ::)

[Homer]

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

[Homer]

Signs Of The Times

Veterinarian's Office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."

At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

In a Veterinarian's Office: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive."

Lot outside Veterinarian's Office: "Parking for Customers Only, all others will be Neutered."

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

dayum i think i would have divorced her long before that point good one homer lmfao O0

[maggot_man]

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again

[maggot_man]

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted


Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

[Buzzman]

A large billboard on the side of the interstate:

"Pork, the one you love."

[Homer]

Headline Rap

March Planned For Next August

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

 lil off topic here : 6 ways  to tell if you are a pogo holic
1 someone says a joke and you say lol
2 someone says talk to you soon in a letter and you reply saying ttfn
3 you have withdraws when pogo servers go down
4 you snail mail a family member asking them what rank they are in  canasta
5 you forget to eat because you are too busy monitoring your auto
and finally 6 you get up early enough on badge change days to make sure if there is a challange for the week you dont have a badge for you activate a personal challange for that game to get 2 badges in one :P

[Homer]

Christmas Songs As Understood By Kids

"Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly"

"On the first day of Christmas, my tulip gave to me ..."

"He's makin a list, chicken and rice ..."

"Sleep in heavenly peas ..."

"You'll go down in Listerine ..."

"O come, froggy faithful ..."

"Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire ..."

[BadgeHelpBill]

As I was driving home the other day I saw the following license plate.

YDLKIT2

I couldn't figure out what a Yodel Kit was and why you would need 2 of them.

Anybody else have an idea of what this plate means? (Answer to follow...)

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

you'd like it too :P

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

preserve room for wild animals ................right next to the mashed potatoes and gravy >:D O0

[BadgeHelpBill]

Correct Dragon!

However, I still don't know what a Yodel Kit is...

[RocknRollGirl]

I can not see the one I posted, so I guess it was not appropriate for the forum.  Sorry if it offended anyone.   :'( :'( :'(

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

maybe he/she is advertising for something much deeper ???

[Homer]

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."  :P

[BadgeHelpBill]

Have you ever seen those really cool ornaments that plug into a Christmas light bulb socket and do neat stuff like say something from a movie?

I have a Darth Vader who says the line, "*breathing* The force is with you young Skywalker, *breathing* but you are not a Jedi yet. *breathing*".  My boys love it and turn the tree lights on and off very often to hear it.  The
other day I'm in the other room and hear the breathing and it stops.  Again, I hear the breathing and it stops.  I yell for the boys to stop playing with the switch, they answer from upstairs.  Again I hear the breathing and it stops.  I go out to the tree to find that after having the tree up for three days, the string of lights that I plugged ol' Darth into is blinking. So every time it blinks the ornament starts it's dialogue but doesn't finish because the lights then blink off.  And so on.

I know George Lucas would be proud that even with all of my familiarity with the sci-fi movie, my grip on reality was completely lost when I went to investigated the problem...

I got my baseball bat just in case I ran into a Sith Lord with a light saber. *Yeah... like a bat would hold up to a light saber.*

Merry Christmas and may the force be with you.

[Homer]

I'm patiently waiting for Episode 3. :) Always wanted to be a Jedi as a kid. ;)