Homer's Laugh House

[swamp]

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.  :)) :)) :))

[TmT]

She gave you TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, and only 11 PiPeRS...hmmmmmmm

[Homer]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals.

King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.


They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.


Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?



Now scroll down to see the analysis.


If your answer is:

Orangutan = you're dull &normal



Ape = you're nuts



Monkey = worse, you're weird



King Kong = you're hopelessly crazy


Why?????


A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!


Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax !
 

[minnie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tRWRSfcDuQ&feature=related

[Biggen]

what does the closed sign say on the brothel door?




"closed for the night----beat it"

[Magzy]

Gas Prices - Whew

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt!!!

[Kyle]

Gas Prices - Whew

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt!!!

:)) :))

[Sean South]

Upon entering the monastery, the Priest says, 'Sister Mary Katherine, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lives in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest says to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine says, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest says, 'We'll get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine is summoned by the Priest.  'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'
'Cold food,' says Sister Mary Katherine,  and the Priest assures her that the food will improve in the future..
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again calls Sister Mary Katherine to his office.   'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' says Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best,' says the Priest,  'You've done nothing but complain since you got here
 

[Darling SilverDodger]

 :))  that was very funny

[swamp]

 :)) :))

[fwankwinsmom]

5-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in d**p shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

[JesseJames]

Confucius says:   Crowded elevator smell different to midget        Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk

[Magzy]

Handle every stressful situation like a dog....Piss on it and walk away.

[Monkey]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals.

King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.


They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.


Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?



Now scroll down to see the analysis.


If your answer is:

Orangutan = you're dull &normal



Ape = you're nuts



Monkey = worse, you're weird



King Kong = you're hopelessly crazy


Why?????


A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!


Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax !
 

I'm weird.  :)))

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Lesson 5

Moral of the story:
Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

:)) :))

[Cheater4Life]

If girls with big boob work at Hooters. Where do girls with only one leg work?

IHOP

[fireangel]

 :))

[Tara]

Does anyone know how long this section has been here?  :-[

[Monkey]

Does anyone know how long this section has been here?  :-[

70848176 seconds.

[fireangel]

 :o

[bobby]