Homer's Laugh House

[Pearl68]

A  husband and wife decided they needed to use code to
indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their
children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter
right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy
that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and
announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already wrote the letter by hand."

:))  loved dat  :))

[Pearl68]

If girls with big boob work at Hooters. Where do girls with only one leg work?

IHOP

:))

[Pearl68]

A woman rubbed a lamp, and out popped a genie.

"Do I get three wishes?" the woman asked. "Nope, I'm a one-wish genie. What will it be?"

"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace."

"They've been at war thousands of years. I'm not that good" he said. "What else do you have?"

"Well, I'd love a good man. One who's considerate, loves kids, likes to cook and doesn't watch sports all day."

"Let me see that map again", sighed the genie.

:)) omggg good one

[Pearl68]

I edited a few words to make it PG  8)


_______________________________________________

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete  :o0 of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an  :o0 hole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

:))  :D  :)))  :)) toooo funny

[Oggbad]

thanks guys - great gags

good luck with the voting  :/\

[skeem628]

those poo ones are funny.. and i guarantee many of us have had 75% of em haha  :xx

[Homer]

Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

[Stinkerbell]

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

:))) :)))

[Squid]

That's cute!

[~Sassy~]

  A Senior Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker in hope,
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snow suits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Before long you'll be with us. We wish you the best.

[skeem628]

 <:> love reading these

[Ummmmok]

There was this couple having sex one night out in their backyard. The man said, " I sure wish I had a flashlight " The woman said, " I wish you did too. You have been eating grass the last 10 minutes "       ::)

[Homer]

Why does Santa go to the strip club?

Because he likes the ho ho ho's

[jarjar]

One day a blonde came to town with her dog and tied it under the shade of a big old Tree.
She headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.  Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,

"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in 'heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
'No way,' said the blonde.  'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry because I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman Said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog.'

[swamp]

One day a blonde came to town with her dog and tied it under the shade of a big old Tree.
She headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.  Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,

"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in 'heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
'No way,' said the blonde.  'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry because I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman Said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog.'

[Joe C]

One day a blonde came to town with her dog and tied it under the shade of a big old Tree.
She headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.  Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,

"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in 'heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
'No way,' said the blonde.  'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry because I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman Said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog.'

[BabyCheetah]

You gotta love women over fifty!

A Woman in her late fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.  Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?  What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think.  I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[jarjar]

 

[Joe C]

 

[BabyCheetah]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(This one is too funny to not forward.)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you.
Tray-up, B-tch