Homer's Laugh House

[BadgeHelpBill]

Me too. I want a light saber and an X-Wing Fighter.

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

A man marries a woman but tradgically 6 months later his wife dies. The coroner said cause of death was eating poison mushrooms. a year later he marries again . Same thing six months later she dies. cause of death poison mushrooms. distraught the man marries again a year later and in six months his wife dies sure enough.. while sitting outside the funeral home his friend approaches him and asks was it poison mushrooms again this time. " No" the man declairs "  she fell down the stairs she didnt like mushrooms.

[Homer]

Reasons The 80's Were A Cooler Time To Grow Up Than The 90's

10) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

9) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swish), and they didn't cost $125.

8) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

7) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

6) In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.

5) In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school -- unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. NSync. New Edition vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.

3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.

2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.



10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Barbara]

I don't mind a ring in the nose if it looks good on you.  I do get a little squeamish looking at people who have lots of piercings on their face.  Kinda makes them look like they fell down the stairs carrying a tacklebox.

[Homer]

I saw a young man one time with hoops where his eyebrows belonged. :o Do you have to remove all that at the airport? ???

[Homer]

Why Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trek Universe

10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."

9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp. The Millenium Falcon does the same thing with just R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After enduring Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7) One word: lightsabers.

6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2) The Federation would have to interrupt whatever it's doing just to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

1) Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

[Homer]

Confucius Say...

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!

Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers!

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

"Man with glass house must dress in basement!"

Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

Marriage is like game of poker.  You start with pair and end with full house.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing

Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Work to become, not to acquire.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.

Those who quote me are fools.

Confucius say too damn much.

[RocknRollGirl]

A  grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a

Christmas present for  his granddaughter. The toy

arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said  that

it could be put together in an hour. However it took

the old man  two days to assemble the toy.


Finally, when it was all put together, he  wrote a

check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

[RocknRollGirl]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that

symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through

his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied,

"They're Carol's".

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

i can only think of two ya missed homer
confucious say man who enter airplane sideways always be going to bangkok and woman who fly airplane upside down have crackup :P

[Homer]

I left a few out because they were a bit questionable in nature. ;)

[RocknRollGirl]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive  double-pane energy efficient kind.  This week I got a call from the  contractor complaining that I had yet to pay for them for his work he had completed a whole year ago.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.......that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

[Homer]

More Ways To Confuse Santa

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

top 5 worst santa pickup lines
#5 have you ever seen a jelly roll?
#4 this sleigh is stylin wanna go for a spin?
#3 wanna sit on santa's lap? We can talk about the first thing that pops up.
#2 big men need lovin too im not fat just big boned.
#1 i know you been nice but i have you on both lists lets see how naughty you can get.

[somethingspecail]

i hope this jokes are ok to post


A man was driving down the road and had to go to the bathroom real bad. He saw a bar and pulled over and went in. The bar was really packed. He asked the bartender when the rest room was. The bartender replied up the stairs 2 doors to the right. When the man went up stairs the line was really long and he couldn't hold it. So he went into the first door and saw a whole in the floor so he decide to use it. When he came back down stairs the bar was empty excpt for the bartender. The man asked him where did everone go. The bartender replied where where u when the crap hit the fan.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One night a mother,father and thier 2 kids willy and sara sat down for dinner. The father told the mother since this is the first time they have ate deer don't tell them what it is let them guess. The father asked sara do u know what ur eating she said chicken the father said no. Willy do u know what ur eating he said hamburger the father said no. I will give u a hint ur mother calls me this sometimes. Sara jumped up from the table and shouted WILLY QUICK SPIT IT OUT ITS BUTTHOLE.

[Homer]

Heaven - It's All Free

This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago! :P

[Homer]

Life's Funny Little Realities

It's frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

True but funny as hell.....

A school teacher in Detroit Michigan was accused by the principal of showing up to work almost everyday drunk... After about six weeks of this it began to get under the skin of the teacher. He went home that weekend and resumed normal life dreading monday morning. Fear of this harassment began to enrage him. As he walks in monday the principal claims he smelled alcohol on him and that he was showing up to work drunk again. The teacher became enraged screaming in the office saying " I'll prove this once and for all". He gets into his car, drives to the local police department and demands a breathalizer.... The test results showed him being twice the legal limit and the officer charged him with dui and creating a public disturbance along with resisting arrest.......


guess this is one of those ppl ya just gotta ask them whats it feel like to be a f@#$%*ng idiot  ::)

[Homer]

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Sweetheart, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?" :P

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

lmfaooooooooooo
good one homer  O0