Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

Thank you. :)

[Homer]

Pickup Lines

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Hi, my name is Homer, how do you like me so far?

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...

Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Wow! Are those real?

If you stood infront of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

Most people like to watch the (i.e. World Cup, Stanley Cup, Superbowl, NBA playoffs, etc..) cuz it only happens once a year/every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone like you only happens once in a lifetime.

Did it hurt?   (What?) When you fell from heaven ...  Did it hurt?

Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!

Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.

If I let you suck on my tongue would you be greatful?

True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.

Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

Screw me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?

Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Pocahontus?

Hey babe, how about a pizza and some sex? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, you don't like pizza?

I'm going to have sex with you tonight no matter what so you might as well be there.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Can I flirt with you?

I admit, I'm kind of a geek by day...  But a sex machine by night!

You have been very naughty! Go to my room!

Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?

Be unique and different, say yes.

You make me so nervous and flustered, I've completely forgotten my standard pick-up line.

I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

What is a slutty girl like you doing in a classy place like this?  OOPS!  I mean, what is nice girl like you doing in a dump like this? (Phew)

Hi, my name's Homer. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!

My name is Homer, but you can call me anything at all. Just call me.

He: Excuse me, want to dance?
She: No.
He: Maybe you didn't hear me ...   I said you look really fat in those pants!

He : Hey Baby ...  Wanna dance?
She : No.
He : Oh, C'mon!  Lower you're standards a little. I did...

He : Hey, Stop!
She : What?
He : You're undressing me with your eyes...  I know you're doing it. STOP!



Rebuttals to Pick Up Lines

He: I'd really like to get into your pants.
She: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.


He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?


He: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
She: It's in the phone book.
He: But I don't know your name.
She: That's in the phone book too.


A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it,
looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.


After hearing a pick-up line: I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

[fuzzyferrets]

lol very funny 8)

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

this one is self explanitory with the election that just passed  :P http://www.jokefrog.com/flash/this-land.shtml

[somethingspecail]

ROFLMAO.... those were so funny 

[juggalobxtch420]

:D Homer you are too funny, has anyone told you that you are a NUT.. :o..lol keep the laughs coming O0

[Homer]

Thank you. Sometimes I feel like a nut.....sometimes I don't. :P

[Homer]

Thoughts To Ponder

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?

Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?

Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?

Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

[Homer]

Words of Wisdom and Observations on Life
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.

A person is as big as the things that make him angry.

In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on....This person must be fired.

Everything depends.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Remember, pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

If you love what you do you'll never work another day in your life.

The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Common sense is not that common.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays, it insists on it.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be discarded.

Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Observation: The user does not know what he wants until he sees what he gets.

Observation: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Observation: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Observation: When you are over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Observation: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.

Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well as, afterward.

[somethingspecail]

here are a few fun pages i thought u guys might get a kick out of i know i did


http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/9499
http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/1263
http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/5999
http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/1463

[somethingspecail]

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises and then fades away.
The next night Bush is astir again and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution as I did," Jefferson advises and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F.D.R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Abe replies, "Go see a play."

[Santa69]

[Butterfly Fairy]

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had           
   the superior culture.                                                   
                                                                           
   The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"                                 
   The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"                                 
   The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"                           
   The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"                             
                                                                           
   ...and so on and so on ...and then the Greek says:                       
   "We invented sex" .                                                     
                                                                           
   The Italian says, "That is true, but it was                             
   the Italians who introduced it to women...                               
                                                                           

[somethingspecail]

lmao i love the 2nd one and the last one to funny

[Homer]

The Drunk

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DRUNK

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drunk and the Nun

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25 Signs that you may have had too much to drink.

1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24.) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What! Me Drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Belligerent Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beer and a Box

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.

The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.

A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered to buy this little outfit that the man had. After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.

The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!"

The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?"

The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!"

"The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend ", chuckled the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"

[Babhog]

Golfing  in Montana

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers
to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the
Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses. They
advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to  alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of
an encounter with a bear.   It is also a good idea to watch for signs
of bear activity.  Golfers should be able to recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.
" Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like, pepper spray

[Babhog]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the  ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." 
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of  cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voiced bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of  the   ice. She set up her
stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!

[Babhog]

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He was playing with his toys in her bedroom, while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm very happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The grandson heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[Babhog]

A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the zoo.

While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.

The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's

age.

The Newfie was very skeptical And said so, in no uncertain terms.


The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy, and the elephant

  stamped its foot 9 times. Is that right?" he asked the boy.


"Oh yes," the boy said.


The Newfie was very loud in expressing his disbelief so the man asked

the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time

the elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct. The

Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man.  Finally, the

trainer could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that

the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Newfie

accepted the wager.


The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around,

Raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe.  Then he

turned back around and stomped his foot twice.


The Newfie stumbled back, amazed, and with a sound of disbelief in

his voice, cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus b'y, he's right...I'm

farty-two!"

[Babhog]

8 WORDS WITH DOUBLE MEANINGS


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.

Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.



2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing football without a cup.



3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.



4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.



5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.



6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.



7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.



8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.