Homer's Laugh House

[Babhog]

GOLFERS

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.  He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun
He arrives and plays a round of golf.  It cost him a buck.  When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.  His room is only a buck a day!  The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees, "Golf: $1. 00, Dinner: $1.00, Room: $1.00, Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00."  He hits the ceiling!
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?  Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure.  That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room.  At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.  "Over there they get you by the room.  Over here we get you by the balls!

[fuzzyferrets]

lol very funny

[Babhog]

THE WELFARE LINE

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to
he counter and says, "Hi... You know,  I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a  job." The social worker behind the counter says,
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard  for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive  around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be  provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment  above the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a  year". The guy says, "You're
bullshitting me!"
The social  worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Babhog]

THE WELFARE LINE

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know,  I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a  job." The social worker behind the counter says,
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard  for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive  around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be  provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment  above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a  year".
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social  worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Dream Faerie]

2 men walked into a bar...The 3rd one ducked.  >:D

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

Blah i think i finally did it homer i drank so much whiskey i woke up with my liver next to me crying  :'(

[Dream Faerie]

Blah i think i finally did it homer i drank so much whiskey i woke up with my liver next to me crying  :'(

Eeeeewwwwww!

[Homer]

Blah i think i finally did it homer i drank so much whiskey i woke up with my liver next to me crying  :'(

I remmeber the ole Jack Daniels days. Had to give that stuff up. Got tired of waking up with cannons going off in my head. Yikes! :(

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

Blah i think i finally did it homer i drank so much whiskey i woke up with my liver next to me crying  :'(

I remmeber the ole Jack Daniels days. Had to give that stuff up. Got tired of waking up with cannons going off in my head. Yikes! :(

Yeah  i know what you mean jack can kick ass when he wants to but the praying to the golden goddess in the a.m. is gettin old also
:P

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

heres a sig for ya homer roflmfaoooooooo http://www.angelfire.com/nb2/4-backalley/Irresist.htm

[Homer]

Nah....I'll pass on that. Thanks anyways. :)

[Homer]

Funny Law Firm Names. >:D

1) LeBoeuf, Lambe & Curry
2) Blast, Bugger & Damn
3) Argew & Phibbs
4) Low, Ball & Lynch
5) Schiester & Schiester
6) Bicker, Back & Forth
7) FLywheel & Shyster
8. I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm
9) French, Frye & Coke
10) Amble, Nance & Chaser
11) McConn, Argue & Lies
12) Sharpe, Knife & Slip
13) Chase & Hsu
14) Bobbit, Gillooly & Buttafuoco
15) Wangle, Finagle & Settle
16) Slippe, Falle & Sioux
17) Huey, Dewey & Louie
18) Hooke, Lyne & Sinker
19) Hough, Puff & Blowe
20) Cheatham & Fleesum
21) O'Neal & Pray
22) Smith & Wesson
23) Grin & Barrett
24) Browbeatum, Flogem & Harassem
25) Tonya, Tankum & Takeum
26) Wilson & Trusts
27) Bill, Padding & Howe
28) Skinam, Alive & Flee (and/or Runn)
29) Killer & Ketcham
30) Payne & Suffrin
31) Dewgoode, Befayre & Prosper
32) Millions, Billions & Trillions, Inc.
33) Noe, Scroopells & Prowdovit
34) *NJUNCTION
35) Wynn, Nunov, Arcases
36) Dummas, Morahn & Einstein-Knott
37) Wannasee, Counsell & Chambers

[Babhog]

AN IRISHMAN


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.  "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

[Babhog]

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
>
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss... the Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled my mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a
large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write my husband a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole
on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said,
"Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment.

[Pho3nix]

confusious say:

Man who stand on toilet, high on pot
man who go through airport turnstyle sideways... going to bangkok
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Baseball wrong, man with 4 balls cannot walk
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.
do not drink and park, accidents cause people!
to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better.

[drgnwrrr4onyx]

Confucius Say...

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!

Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers!

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

"Man with glass house must dress in basement!"

Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

Marriage is like game of poker.  You start with pair and end with full house.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing

Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Work to become, not to acquire.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.

Those who quote me are fools.

Confucius say too damn much.

Hrmmm dejavou??? :o

[mariska]

 


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[mariska]

[Dream Faerie]

My sister has the lawnmower tatooed somewhere else  :-X

[Pho3nix]

lol dream...