Homer's Laugh House

[Dream Faerie]

lol dream...

:-X

[Pho3nix]

i'm not sure where you are talking about, but i think i might have a good idea... either that or my perverted mind is reeling...

[mariska]

My sister has the lawnmower tatooed somewhere else :-X

lol..........so have i.... :-X

[Babhog]

The Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks
around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in
the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the
shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says,"About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop
and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then
doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the
shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did
he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[Babhog]

Here are some interesting observations!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems
worth it!)

If you fart continuously for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like
it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not
over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included
in this list?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey,I'm home. What the....")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want
to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

[Babhog]

Very funny: A Hole Behind

You don't have to be a golfer to enjoy this joke.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
course, became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking
around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.  He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm
on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
6th hole."  He thanked her and went back to his golf.  On the back nine the
same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She
said,   "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar.  He asked the bartender if he
knew the lady.  The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.  He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help.  I understand that you are in the sales profession.  I'm in
sales,  also.  What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No,  I won't."  "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for
Tampax."  With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew
you would laugh."  "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.  "I'm a
salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.

[somethingspecail]

omg that is too funny roflmao  haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
sry easily amused lol

[Babhog]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell
and are always silent. As a matter of fact,I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was  farting because
they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
whatthe heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink
terribly."
The doctor says,"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."

[Babhog]

 Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the
boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package."
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then
who uses THESE?" he asks, pickinup a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March........"

[Babhog]

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa.

Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear
suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front.
The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, all right."
The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The
front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!"
The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The
front tiger turns and says,  "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop."
The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm
just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[Butterfly Fairy]

MEN vs. WOMEN
1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 i tem he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.


4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws

[Babhog]

Investment Tips for 2005:

For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and

the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of

the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and

make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and  W. R.
Grace Company will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace



2.  Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces andbecome:
Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:
MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota  Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP

6. Fairchild  Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild

7.  Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants

8.  Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:

Titty Titty Bang Bang

10.  Motorola and Cray Computers will join together and become

Crayola.

[LustyPirateWench]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders
a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go,
the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You
just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your
sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man,
I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the
following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling
marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots
and leaves."

[lilgreenfrog]

These post were good humor tonight :)
So, What did the fly say to the fly?
.
.
.
.
.
"your man is open"
:-\

[Bunnie]

Ok.. made my day... now I can laugh at everything that happens to me today.. Thanks Guys  :D

[Babhog]

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

[Babhog]

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Saskatchewan when she sees
an Indian woman hitchhiking.
Since the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the
Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a
brown bag on the front seat.
"What's in the bag?", she asks."It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband", says the woman.
The Indian woman is silent for a while and then she says, "Good
trade."

[Babhog]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house  for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first  time
meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine  meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her  nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to  relieve   herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather  stern voice,
"Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smilecame across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was  beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrriiip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman  had to let another rip. This time she  didn't even think about it. She
let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, beforeshe shits on you!"

[Babhog]

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you." "Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?!" the man asks. "I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says... "Those little bastards!"

[RocknRollGirl]

                                                      Louisiana Jokes


The owner of a golf course in Louisiana was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from UL and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Louisiana women.

============================================
A group of Louisiana friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

==========================================
The young Cajun came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Cajun answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

============================================
A Louisiana state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

============================================
One day Boudreaux, him, he was sittin in his coffee shop, drinkin a pop, wen dis grate big fella come in and knocks him off da stool

The big fella say, "Dat was a karate chop frum Korea."

Boudreaux, him, he don't say nuttin, he jus get back on his stool an take anudder drink frum his pop.

WHAM!, da big fella knock Boudreaux down agin an say, "Dat was a judo chop frum Japan."

Boudreaux still don't say nuttin, he jus get up an walk out of dat coffee shop.  Bout a hour later, Boudreaux come back in an witout sayin nuttin, he walk up to dat big fella an WHACK! he knock dat big fella off his stool an knock him out cold.

Den Boudreaux tell da manager, "Mais, wen he wake tell him dat was a crowbar from da Home Depot.