Homer's Laugh House

[somethingspecail]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown duck behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the duck, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the duck. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the duck come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the duck says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.


"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the duck. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the duck?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a cute white chick who agrees with everything I say."



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This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"


Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time tha n anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private Session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."


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MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER, WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID "ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE".

ESTHER REPLIED," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID," FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

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Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. 'Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".

"Sure I" excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there

---- on the couch

---- naked.

[ekkythump]

homer i am new to this site and i thinl it is great.

and that joke about the ten lazy men sounds just like my husband.!!!!

[fuzzyferrets]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown duck behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the duck, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the duck. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the duck come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the duck says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

another very funny post
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the duck. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the duck?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a cute white chick who agrees with everything I say."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"


Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time tha n anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private Session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER, WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID "ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE".

ESTHER REPLIED," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID," FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. 'Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".

"Sure I" excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there

---- on the couch

---- naked.

[Homer]

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."  >:D

[RocknRollGirl]

Have you ever wondered what computer/graphics techs do when they get bored???? Maybe this will help........

[Homer]

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started i've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

[Homer]

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Homer]

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe, and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"



Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old

Pepe LePew no longer makes any scents.

SpongeBob's SquarePants are now UpToHisArmpits, and he can't seem to get rid of that rank dirty-dish smell.

Bugs spends a lot of time in the examination room asking, "What's up with my prostate, Doc?"

Now retired and living in Florida, Zonker Harris and Michael Doonesbury unintentionally vote for Bush -- again.

[Babhog]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and
one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her
eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my sisters though."

[RocknRollGirl]

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery.
He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered,
listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The
man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange
and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the
sound that had woke him.

"We're sorry," the monks said, "We can't tell you about the sound. You're
not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for
their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the
man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later the man
happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a
whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so
enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend
another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man
stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following
morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the
same answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up
everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn
about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long
and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was
finally established as a true member of the order.

When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and
asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened
the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door
of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through
twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was
awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the
beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before..........






But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

[Homer]

College Exam for Football Players
Time Limit: One Month

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?

(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe

18. Advanced math.

If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

[RocknRollGirl]

That is toooooo funny, Homer......... :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D

[Dream Faerie]

:D  Another great one Homer!   :D

[Homer]

Football Funnies

Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it.

Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball.

As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."

Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse.

We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.

I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.

He's so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.

The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, "Hey, I see you coach the band, too."

Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 60,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., "Toes go in first."

I say let's make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let's arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.

Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, "I'm not complaining, girls, but look at the work they're doing next door!"

The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.

The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.

Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.

I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, "Make a wish!"

Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.

Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.

He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.

We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, "Please don't include me in this."

That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.

We have lots of veterans on this year's squad. Too bad they're all from World War II.

The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.

They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.

Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip."

I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts.

I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.

"I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike."

You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.

Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.

We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.

This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.

This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.

The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.

Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"

He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.

[Homer]

Comeback Lines

How about never? Is never good for you?

You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

His teeth are brighter than he is.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

[wldcountrygurl]

Do You Know Jack Schitt?


Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.  Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate married Owe Schitt, the owner of
Kneedeep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the produced six children;
Holy Schitt their first passed away shortly after birth.  Next
came twin sons; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, another son, Bull Schitt.  Deep
Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.  Dip
Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son name Chicken
Schitt.  Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and
Horace Schitt.  Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number
named Peesa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby
Schitt.  :P ;D ;)

[Babhog]

No Baby Talk

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN! Use big people words."

She then asked Ron what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

[Babhog]

 a few wise sayings

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in  school was my blood alcohol content.
2. Marriage changes  passion...suddenly you're in bed with a  relative.
3. I  saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the  same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet  Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I have my own little world. But it's  OK...they know me here.
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes  misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for  Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is  life. Yet it has absolutely no  trade-in value.
12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make tomatoe juice, But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...
now THAT'S a message!
14. I love being married. It's so great to  find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest  of your life.
15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am  perfect.
17. I  married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
19. Welcome to Shit Creek  -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !
20. How come we choose from just two people to run  for president and 50 for Miss America?
21. Isn't having a  smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
22. Why is it that most nudists are people  you don't want to see naked?
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven  unassembled.
24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's  been!"

[Kelly]

Thought this was cute ...

http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/poop_doggy_dog/poop_doggy_dog.swf

ok im going thru all these very funny jokes and i comes to this one...omg i laughed so hard i am crying!!!!

[Babhog]

FART FOOTBALL

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when  the old man passes gas
and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over  and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart  football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown,  tie score.."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and  says,
"Aha.. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out  another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie  score."

Five seconds go by and  she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal, I lead 17 to  14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a
woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says,  "Half time, switch sides!!"