Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.  :P

[Betty Boop]

Adam says to God, "Why did you make women so beautiful?"

God..." So you would love them my son"

Adam...God, why did you make women so soft and cuddly?

God....So you would love them my son

Adam...God, why did you make women so stupid?

God.....(sighs)....so THEY would love you my son........ ::)

[Jeffer]

Four  lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
morning round of  golf.  It was their favorite moment of the week.

Then one of  the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.

It wasn't  quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law  firm.

One day she overheard the remaining three talking about  their golf
round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke  up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team
in college and I was pretty  good.  Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three  lawyers looked at each other.  They were hesitant.  Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.  Finally  one man
said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her  immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if  she could possibly
be up to 10 minutes late.

They rolled  their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said,  "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:40."

She showed up  right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening  2-under par round.  She was a fun and pleasant person
the entire  round.  The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they  congratulated her and happily invited her
back the next week.

She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or  6:40."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday  morning.  Only
this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an  even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys  were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just
trying to make them  look bad by beating them left-handed.  They couldn't
figure her out.

She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be  showing them up, but
each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat  her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on.   But this week she
was 10 minutes late!

This had the guys  irritable because each was determined to play the
best round of golf of  his life to beat her.  As they waited for her, they
figured her late  arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she  showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which  was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them.  However, she was so gracious and
so complimentary of their strong play, it was  hard to keep a grudge against
her.  This woman was a riddle no one  could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys  shaking their heads at
her ability.  They had a couple beers after  their round which helped the
conversation loosen  up.

Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no  longer.  He
asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're  going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady  blushed and grinned.  She said, "That's easy.  When my
dad  taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.  I have always
had fun switching back and forth.  Then when I met my husband in  college
and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.   From then on I
developed a silly habit.  Right before I left in the  morning for golf
practice, I would pull the covers off him.  If his  'you-know-what' was
pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it  was pointed to  the
left, I golfed left-handed.  All the girls on the  team thought this  was
hysterical."

Astonished at this  bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm ten minutes  late."

[Homer]

A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."  :P

[Super Duckie]

mine are chapped to, so don't be making me smile either

[Homer]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? :o

[Babhog]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are
wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled."

The interviewer says, " normally, we would hire you without a second
thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored
condoms; finally at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it
open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all
over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"

[Babhog]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[Homer]

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"  :P >:D

[Homer]

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.

"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."

[Homer]

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write: 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"
:o

[Homer]

This guy walks into a doctor's office with a banana in his ear and green beans stuck up his nose.
He asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong, doc?"

"Sure", the doctor replies. "You're eating funny."
:o

[Homer]

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity.
One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked, "What do you want, Sonny?"

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m- ma'am?" he asked.

"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady.

"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"  :o

[reallyconfused]

Good thing their down to about $75 for a 17 incher. :)

My mind was so in the gutter on this one homer! >:D

[Homer]

My....my..... ::) LOL

[Babhog]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact,  this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,  "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming! right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
You're gonna like this one
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

[Babhog]

NOT REALLY A JOKE BUT FUN NONE THE LESSThis is one of the strangest things. Left brain, right brain.

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.

This will drive you crazy.

[careoss]

 A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!

     A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out
     during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
     very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
     earlier.
     
     Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
     their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew
     to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
     day.
     
     The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
     room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
     accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
     without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
     
     Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned Home
     from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who
     Was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The
     widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of
     condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first
     message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
     found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
     which read:

          To: My Loving Wife
          Subject: I've Arrived
          Date: 16 January 2004
         
          I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
          computers here now and you are allowed to send e-
          mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have
          been checked in. I see that everything has been
          prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
          to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
          uneventful as mine was.
         
          P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

[Homer]

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

[Babhog]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in
deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up
with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen  to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,  pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey?
I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..Don't mess with old farts: age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. BS and brilliance only come with time and experience