Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

A woman was having a bad day at the roulette tables, and was down to her
last $50. The man next to her had just won $1000. Exasperated she
exclaimed, "What rotten luck! How is that you win on your first play
and I just keep losing?"

To calm her down the man said, "I don't know... I always just play my
age." Then he walked away. Moments later there was a great commotion at
the roulette table. The man rushed back and pushed his way through the
crowd. He saw the lady laying limp on the floor, with the table
operator kneeling over her.

"What happened?" the man asked. "Is she all right?"

"I don't know," the operator replied. "She put all her money on 29, and
when 36 came up, she just fainted!" :o

[Homer]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?

Shouldn't research should just be called 'search'?

'Con' is the opposite of 'pro' that must make congress the opposite of progress.

[Homer]

Bad Job Interview Tactics

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing
uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy! I bet
this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I
was totally hammered at the time.'

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Sit on the floor instead of in a chair. If the interviewer mentions
it, accuse them of being a 'seatist.'

Mention that you would little affect the budget, because you swiped
all necessary office supplies from your previous job.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like
making anything else up.

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office
from a few angles, put away, declare, 'NOW we can begin.'

Sniff your shirt during the interview, frown, and ask, 'Do I smell
funny to you?'

Ask if refreshment fund covers making coffees 'Irish.' :o

[Homer]

Presidential Advice

One night, President Bush was visited by three spirits. Bush asked
Washington's ghost, "George, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised
Washington, and vanished. Later that night, the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush
asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom, and
floated away.

Bush couldn't get back to sleep, and saw yet another figure moving in
the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?" Bush asked.

"Go to the theater," replied Abe. :P

[Homer]

Microsoft Enters New Market

With the release of their first automobile, the Microsoft XP2000NT95
we can look forward to years of blissful driving, Microsoft style.

10. Your car crashes no more than twice a day

9. Every time they repaint the lines on the road you have to buy a
new car.

8. Occasionally your car will just stop for no reason. You just
accept this, restart and drive on.

7. Some maneuvers may cause your car to stop. You will have to
re-install the engine.

6. You may have only one person in the car at a time, unless you buy
more seats.

5. In the event that your car needs repairs, a certified Microsoft
mechanic will talk you through it via e-mail.

4. Changing your own oil will void your entire warranty.

3. Oil, gas and alternator warning lights have been replaced by a
single "general car fault" warning light.

2. Your windshield may suddenly turn bright blue as the car stops
working.

1. The airbag system politely asks, "Are you sure?" before deploying.  :o

[Homer]

Signs You Are Having A Bad Day

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your
office.

You get home and find the "Jerry Springer" crew waiting in your living
room.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out
of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a
grapefruit down the toilet.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water... and remember
that you just bought a waterbed.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

The fortune teller takes one look into her crystal ball and offers to
refund your money.

[Babhog]

GRAVESIDE SERVICE
(IT'S THE UNDERTAKER IN ME)


A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends.

The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way.

When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in insight. The workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking in a very serious voice to another worker: "You know, I been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen nothin' like that before.....Sorta gives a whole new meanin' to the term "Holy Shit....."
 

[Babhog]

THE HAIR CUT



A teen boy had just received his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a church minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a  deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his  father if they could discuss his use of the car.They again went into the father's study where the father  said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The church minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went,
they walked."

[Homer]

Bumper Sticker Crop

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

[Babhog]

GENDER FRIENDSHIP


Friendship among women:

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she
tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends None of them
know about it.


Friendship among Men:

A Man doesn't come home at night. The next day he
tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house.
The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of
them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still
there.

[Homer]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."  :o

[Homer]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar." :o

[Homer]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''  :o

[Jeffer]

(Sometimes in a Job interview they ask you to tell a joke to see how quick you are on your feet.  I keep this one "Up my sleeve").

A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a Martini.  The kangaroo pulls a $20 out of it's pouch and lays it on the counter.

The bartender is surprised, but takes it in stride.  He takes the $20 and comes back with a martini and $5 change.

The kangaroo looks down and silently drinks the martini.  The bartender finally breaks the silence...

"You know, I've never had a kangaroo in my bar before"....

"Well with martinis going for 15 bucks, you'll never see another one."

[Homer]

People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize 

1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her butt.

9. That 500 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.  :o

[Homer]

A Few Philisophical Statements... 

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

[Homer]

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."  :o

[sdunkin]

Homer i think the movie u got it from is RAT RACE

[Homer]

The joke may have been in a movie but that's not where I got it from. ;)

[Thunder]

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. A LIFE sentence.

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and SUFFERing.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration:  In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.  You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.  A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives

and the wife takes.

9. Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?"  Father: "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

10. Son: "Is it true, Dad, that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"  Father: "That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!"

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.  But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:either the car is new or the wife is.

15. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

19. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

>23. A man was complaining to a friend:  "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then...POW! It was all gone."  "What happened", asked his friend.  He answered: "My wife found out."

24. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."  Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on."

25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.

26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED.  The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same

thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.



:o