Homer's Laugh House

[Cheater_KeVin]

In math class one day the teacher sees that little Johnny is daydreaming and decides to ask him the next question. " Johnny, if there are three birds on a wire and you shoot one of them, how many are left?" Johnny says none. The teacher asks him to explain. Little Johnny says, "If you shoot the gun it may hit one bird, but the others will fly away and so you have no birds left." The teacher smiles and says the answer is two, but I like the way you think. Johnny asks the teacher if she can solve a problem. The teacher is hesitant because she knows the way Johnny's mind works, but she agrees to answer the question. "If you have three women sitting on a park bench- one of them is eating a popcycle- one of them is licking a popcycle- and one of them is sucking a popcycle- which one is married?" The teacher blushes and says, "I guess the one sucking the popcycle." Johnny shakes his head no." It is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."


Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

LAST REQUEST... Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"


A guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for 4 double bourbons. As the bartender pours the shots, he says to the man, "Wow, you must be having a really bad day." "Yeah," the guys says, "I just found out my older brother is gay." He chugs the 4 shots and leaves. A few days later the guy walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender for 6 double bourbons. As the guy is chugging these down he says to the bartender, "You're not going to believe this, I just found out my younger brother is queer too." He finishes the drinks and leaves. A couple days later the same guy walks into the bar, sits down and orders 8 double bourbons. The bartender shocked, says, "Jesus Christ man, does anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah," says the man, "My Wife!!!!!"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

[Super Duckie]

Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

[Super Duckie]

Looky at the kid in the middle

[badcrazygirl]

eww that dude looks like he's pregnant

[Super Duckie]

haha, poor kid in the middle

[badcrazygirl]

o i didn't see the kid damn there gonna crush here poor baby  :-*

[Super Duckie]

R U BLIND  ::)

[badcrazygirl]

i didn't c her b/c of the faties

[Super Duckie]

oh ok, i thought u went blind on me or something :D

[LadyMystik]

Whats black and white and found in childrens pants?

eww ;)

[badcrazygirl]

ewww looks like a mokey

[Super Duckie]

     
      

Fix This

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

[Homer]

President Bush's approval ratings continue to fall.
He will use an upcoming 30-second ad to discuss his economic plan.

In this duration, he can explain it three times.  :P >:D

__________________________________________________________

How To Travel With The Kids

Blindfold the children and tell them that you're taking them to the "Batcave."

You can ship a 40 lb child UPS 2nd day air for around $60.00, but don't forget the air holes.

When you get on the plane, ask your child if he or she remembered to pack their parachute.

Sit them back-to-back, facing away from one another, and go to town with the duct tape.

For every sugary snack your kid eats, take a Valium pill.

Instead of singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall," you drink 'em.

During the school year, keep them up at night so that they fail and get held in summer school.

[badcrazygirl]

monkey* lol oops

[Homer]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
:P

[Homer]

This Land is Your Land Click On It! :)

[Homer]

A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy. :P

[badcrazygirl]

lol

[indigo]

 ;D lol

[TheRaven]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?


Wherever you left him.