Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

that is so true and so funny!  Thanks Homer.. I needed that.  lol

Your welcome. I don't think much work would get done though if they adopted these rules. :P

[missy]

no, but work sure would be fun

[CindyLouWho]

You can post them if you like. Just keep them clean because some of our members may be as young as 13.

ok will do..thank you..i'll go thru some later tonite after i go get my pogo fix...lol  (hope i replied to your message right, i'm stil trying to learn this forum stuff)

[Homer]

no, but work sure would be fun

It sure would. ;)

[Homer]

You can post them if you like. Just keep them clean because some of our members may be as young as 13.

ok will do..thank you..i'll go thru some later tonite after i go get my pogo fix...lol  (hope i replied to your message right, i'm stil trying to learn this forum stuff)

You got it right. ;)

[CindyLouWho]

oh yes !! thanks!!

[CindyLouWho]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:

Mother:  "What does the cow say?"

Little Johnny:  "Moooo!"

Mother:  "Great! What does the cat say?"

Little Johnny:  "Meow."

Mother:  "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."

[CindyLouWho]

Two babies were sat in their prams, when one baby, Little Johnny shouted to the other: "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said Little Baby Johnny.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said little baby Johnny chuckling. "I'll climb into your pram and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's pram, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the little baby Johnny, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones!"

[CindyLouWho]

Baked Beans                                                         

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary."

[CindyLouWho]

Adding                                                                           

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'

He stands up and says,  "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

[CindyLouWho]

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi Knight If...


You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken."

You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters."

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.

The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.

You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father and your uncle."

[CindyLouWho]

Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.(or Durango parts!)
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[CindyLouWho]

On a rural road the West Virginia State trooper
pulled the Mountaineer over and asked, Sir, do you
realize your wife fell out of your pickup several
miles back? To which the Mountaineer replied,
Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

[CindyLouWho]

Hanging in the hallway at West Virginia University
in Morgantown, are the basketball team pictures
from the past 40 years. A player in the center of
the front row in each picture holds a basketball
identifying the year -- "62 - 63." "63 - 64,"
"64 - 65," etc. One day a freshman was spotted
looking curiously at the photos. Turning to a
fellow student, he said, "Isn't it strange how
the teams always lost by one point?"

[Homer]

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."  :-[

[CindyLouWho]

Betting                                                                           

It was Little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher.  He told her that Little Johnny was a good kid but that he was a heck of a gambler.  He warned her that Little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of Little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured Little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.  "The little boy absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."

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[CindyLouWho]

Cold Cream                                                               

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

===============================================

Daddy's A Preacher                                                     

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

=================================================

[CindyLouWho]

Daddy's Promise                                                           

Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma.  Now maybe daddy will do the  trick he has been  promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"she asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the darn walls if you came to visit us again."

===================================================

[CindyLouWho]

Ten things you don't want to say to a woman


10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

9.  "Ohh, you are so cute when you get pissed off."

8.  "You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread."  <SMACK>

7."Wait a minute...I get it.. what time of the month is it?"

6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"

5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."  <Double smack>!!!

4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."

3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of BEE-AHTCH Flakes this
morning."

2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A
WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT...

1."Who are you kidding?  We both know that thing ain't loaded

[CindyLouWho]

                                                                     

Little Johnny needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it.  He prayed for two weeks and nothing turned up.  So he decided to write to God requesting the money.

When the postal worker seen the letter he decided to send it to the president.  The president was so impressed that he told his secretary to send the boy a check for $5.  He thought that would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Little Johnny was delighted with the five dollars and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read as follows:

Dear God, thank you very much for sending me the money.  I noticed you had sent it through Washington. As usual, those losers deducted $95.

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