Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. :o

[bobby]

ok here's a joke don't know if it's funny or not
Little Billy is in court with his parents and the judge asks little billy do you want to live with your mommy or your daddy and little billy says i don't want to live with my mommy she beats me then the judge says so that means that you want to live with your daddy and little billy says no he beats me too, then the judge asks little billy then who do you want to live with and little billy says i want to live with the kansas city royals cause they can't beat anyone >:D

[Roguecook]

Do you know why Farts stink?

So deaf (hearing impaired) people can enjoy them too.

**wanted to be politically correct and no offense to anyone. This joke just came back to my mind since i just farted...LOL

[CindyLouWho]

MAN OF THE HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MANOF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that
I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want
you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my
meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you
are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with
my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The  funeral director would be my
guess."

[Homer]

Man goes to a dentist

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"  :o

[sxybamabit]

lol@rogue

[xxDragonGoddessxx]

LMAO  O0

[Homer]

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"  :o

[avs1roy33]

*Rolls eyes at homer's joke*    j/k

[avs1roy33]

"My car has this feature I guess is standard, because it was   
on my last car, too. It has a rotating gas tank. No matter   
what side of the pump I pull up to, it's on the other side."   
--Rita Rudner   

After delivering a lecture on drawing, I gave my art class   
its assignment--complete a self-portrait. A young man in   
the front row raised his hand and asked, "Of anyone?"   

[Homer]

Transylvania vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
:-[ :o

[isew]

good one Homer!   :D

I always loved that movie   :)

[PogoNutz]

Johnny is outside playing with Sally when his mom yells at him, "Johnny, get away from that girl, her neck's dirty!"

To which Johnny replies, "Her does?"

[Homer]

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.

As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.

Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.

Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!

And the moral of the story is:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. :o

[Homer]

There's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."

[Barbara]

Please do not post ANY links that lead to adult sites and sites that have adult content.  This forum is visited by minors and they don't need to see this garbage.

[Homer]

The link that PhatPizza posted was not authorized by an admin. Anyone who visited the site I suggest you delete your temporary internet files and do a complete virus scan ASAP.

[Barbara]

Thanks Homer, I found the virus associated with this link.

[Homer]

Your welcome. Anyone who went to that site should do an immediate virus scan because the website that was posted will place a virus in your temp files. I suggest dumping your temp files and doing a scan at: http://housecall.trendmicro.com/

[outlawdave]

Funny Law Firm Names. >:D

1) LeBoeuf, Lambe & Curry
2) Blast, Bugger & Damn
3) Argew & Phibbs
4) Low, Ball & Lynch
5) Schiester & Schiester
6) Bicker, Back & Forth
7) FLywheel & Shyster
8. I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm
9) French, Frye & Coke
10) Amble, Nance & Chaser
11) McConn, Argue & Lies
12) Sharpe, Knife & Slip
13) Chase & Hsu
14) Bobbit, Gillooly & Buttafuoco
15) Wangle, Finagle & Settle
16) Slippe, Falle & Sioux
17) Huey, Dewey & Louie
18) Hooke, Lyne & Sinker
19) Hough, Puff & Blowe
20) Cheatham & Fleesum
21) O'Neal & Pray
22) Smith & Wesson
23) Grin & Barrett
24) Browbeatum, Flogem & Harassem
25) Tonya, Tankum & Takeum
26) Wilson & Trusts
27) Bill, Padding & Howe
28) Skinam, Alive & Flee (and/or Runn)
29) Killer & Ketcham
30) Payne & Suffrin
31) Dewgoode, Befayre & Prosper
32) Millions, Billions & Trillions, Inc.
33) Noe, Scroopells & Prowdovit
34) *NJUNCTION
35) Wynn, Nunov, Arcases
36) Dummas, Morahn & Einstein-Knott
37) Wannasee, Counsell & Chambers

heres one you don't have dewy cheatum and how