Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."  :o

[Homer]

Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!" :o

[Homer]

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven?s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

[Homer]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.  :o

[Homer]

Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!

Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.

Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?  :o

[Trisha]

There are three engineers in a car : an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer ...

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong ...

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred ...

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere ...

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

:o

[Trisha]

TOP 10 "If Microsoft Made Cars ..."

10. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before. 

9. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 

8. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 

7. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats. 

6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. 

5. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 

4. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 

3. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm). 

2. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass. 

1. "WE'LL tell YOU where you want to go today!" 

[Homer]

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
:o

[Trisha]

A french teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine : "la maison"
"Pencil," in French, is masculine : "le crayon"

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer ?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary ...

So, for fun, she split the class into two groups by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation ...

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because :

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic,

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval and ...

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because :

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on,

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless,

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem and ...

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.  lol  :P

[Homer]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"  :o

[Homer]

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"  :o

[Homer]

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
  :o

[Barbara]

Homer comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a Duff before it starts."  She is puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyway.

Homer quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold Duff.  It's about to start."  His wife huffs a little but still gets him another Duff.

"One more before it starts!" Homer yells after finishing the second bottle.

"That's it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long.  Then you waltz in here, flop your yellow hiney down and expect me to run around like your slave!  If you think that is how it works, you've got another thing coming!"

"Dang," mutters Homer, "It started."

*Disclaimer* Homer is not really married.

[Homer]

In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.

Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"

The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!", he said and vanished.

All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.

The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.

One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.

The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.

"I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.

The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!

Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.

"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"

The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS." :o

[PogoNutz]

I've been waiting for that one Homer,  if you're not careful, I'll break out mine about the Rabi and the Giant or the one about that mystical magically and totally terrifying creature called the Rairy.   LOL

[Homer]

Mr. Bill I have no doubt the two of us could fill this place up with unusual humor. LOL

If you think my jokes are bad here you should here them in person. :o

[PogoNutz]

"Unusual Humor"  I like the sound of that.  Normally I'm stuck with groans, eye's being rolled, or sadly shaking heads.  And that's when I'm talking to myself.  LOL

[Homer]

I call it "unusual" because I tend to get the same replies to my jokes. LOL

[CindyLouWho]

Harold was an old man who was sick and in the hospital.

There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ."

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

[CindyLouWho]

A blonde gets on an airplane and goes straight to 1st class and sits down. The stewardess comes by and tells her she has to move to her seat in coach. She tells the stewardess " I'm blonde, and beautiful and going to Dallas." The stewardess doesn't know what to do to get her to move so she goes to the cockpit. She explains the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilotgoes back and tells her she has to go to her seat in coach. She again says " I'm blonde, and beautiful and going to Dallas."

He goes back and tells the pilot he had no success. The pilot says " I have a blonde wife. I know how to speak blonde." He goes back and whispers in her ear. She says " Oh, I didn't know" and moves back to her coach seat. The stewardess and the co-pilot both want to know what he said to make her move. The pilot says "I just told her that 1st class wasn't going to Dallas!"