Homer's Laugh House

[niteshiftblogger]

 :o  O0  :D LMAO!  :D  O0  :o

[CindyLouWho]

A blonde was driving to the store when she seen a guy with 2 monkeys. She pulled over and asked if he needs help.

"Yes I do. My car broke down and I need to get these monkeys to the zoo. If I give you $50 will you please take these monkeys to the zoo for me?" He told her.

"Sure," she replied. So she put the monkeys in her car and drove off.
When the guy got his car fixed he started driving torwards the zoo when he came across the same blonde walking down the streets holding the monkeys hands.
"Hey I paid you $50 to take them to the zoo," he told her when he pulled up beside her.

"We did go to the zoo. But we had money left over so now we are going to the movies," she repled.

[SexySagittarian]

 


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior
break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires.

So I called him a piece of dog poop. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third
ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner.

[Homer]

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
:o

[CindyLouWho]

Four Old Ladies and a State Police Officer


A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.

Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

[CindyLouWho]

Elderly Ladies with Guns


This could only happen in California....(true story)

Car jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required... so get out of the car!

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman...

[Homer]

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...

[CindyLouWho]

Wow Homer, I was just getting ready to post these, glad I checked....lol...but alas!  I'll post the others I have before you beat me to it  ;D

[CindyLouWho]

  Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?
Masked potatoes.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'd like a beer and a mop!

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

[CindyLouWho]

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.

What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef.

What do you do with a green monster?
Wait until it ripens.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.

What game do ghost like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.

What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.

What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE.

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

What is a ghost's favorite desert?
Iced Screams.

What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal?
SCREAM of Wheat.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
His other fang.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.

What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog?
A blood hound.

What is the tallest building in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.

What kind of key opens a casket?
A skeleton key

[avs1roy33]

The Things Kids Say

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller.  She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.  "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.  How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked:  "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked,
"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?" 

[Madonna]

roflmaooooooooooo ;D

[greenflash]

Subject: Doctor Dave


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.  Guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  Every once in a while, though,
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to
sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last and you are single, let
it go...."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
Whispering........................


Dave.................





Dave.................




Dave......................



Dave.....................



Dave.....................



...........You're a veterinarian!!  :o ;D

[PogoNutz]

 :o

[CindyLouWho]

An Extremely Modest Man on Halloween


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several 'false alarm' trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.

[PogoNutz]

Alright, potty humor O0

[CindyLouWho]

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.  Trembling
with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the
headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death
we thought you were a ghost!  What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

[CindyLouWho]

Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and
asks them what they'll have. ?
 

The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative." 
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,

"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"

[PogoNutz]

Billy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his best friend, Bubba, driving a new pickup truck. Bubba pulled up with a wide grin on his face.
Billy Joe asked, "Bubba, what you doin' with that new truck?"
Bubba replied, " Bobby Sue gave it to me."
"No! I knew she was sweet on you, but a new truck.....?"
"Yep! Eggzakly that! We waz driving out County Road #6 when all of a sudden she put this truck in 4-wheel drive and took off down in the woods.
She parked and got out and took off all her clothes and said, 'Now, Bubba, you jest take whatever you want!"
"So I took the truck."
"Bubba, you sure are a smart man," Billy Joe replied. " I don't think them clothes woulda' ever fit you."

[CindyLouWho]

LOL  Good one Mr. Bill   :D