Homer's Laugh House

[AdDn8187]

  :o  Sorry Homer I guess my joke was a bit too ummm off beat... I debated on wether to post it or not... but seen some others in the past posted that looked a bit racey so thought well heck give er a try .. oh well... maybe I should wash my hands with soap to teach myself a leason.... sorry again.

[Homer]

Dumb Alabama Laws

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

You may not drive barefooted.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Anniston
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

[Madonna]

I am so embarrassed to be from Alabama I could crawl under a rock after reading that! And to say you can't drive barefoot....i do it all the time, because it's hard to drive in stilhettoes :o. Oh well, i guess I'll go to jail. Maybe I can move to Brazil...where the "nuts" come from ;D.

[Homer]

Don't be embarrassed. There are stupid laws on the books in every state.

Here's a few for Alaska....

Alaska Crazy Law

In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

[PogoNutz]

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

If you were so inclined to do so,  I guess you'd have to check to see which way the wind is blowing first.  One would think you wouldn't use the 'finger in the mouth then held up to check the direction of the wind' method.  If so, you'd have to be very careful to ...well, I probably don't need to finish this sentence.   lol

[CindyLouWho]

Ewwwww lets get off that subject.   LOL


Halloween Definitions

Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.


Boogieman:
Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.


Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.


Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer


Full Moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.


Goblin:
How you eat the Snickers Bars you got for Halloween.


Invisible Man:
What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."


Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish pumpkin.


Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.


Mummy:
Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.


Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.


Skeleton:
Any super model.


Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.


Witch:
See "Mother-in-Law."


Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.



It was a graveyard romance. Boy meets ghoul.

[CindyLouWho]

oops just noticed the Boogieman definition in that, so smack me      ???  ;D

[CindyLouWho]

A Cabbie and a Nun on Halloween


A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver becomes very excited and says , "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!!!"

"OK", the nun say's, "Pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?" He sobs, "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.

Happy Halloween!!!

[PogoNutz]

oops just noticed the Boogieman definition in that, so smack me      ???  ;D

Yep, that kind of guy, punch him in the nose and you'll break his finger.   lol

[CindyLouWho]

An elderly man in North Dakota calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls North Dakota and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

[PogoNutz]

Good one Cindy.  I'll have to remember that for when/if my kids move out on their own.   LOL

[CindyLouWho]

Thanks Mr. Bill.  I've never had that problem myself.  My son moves out bout once a year but always ends up back at home sooner or later.  LOL

[SexySagittarian]

 :o

[CindyLouWho]

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep...
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.

[CindyLouWho]

The football-playing turkey

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

[CindyLouWho]

(Sorry this is so long but thought it was good)

Noah in 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up i! n wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.

[foxx]

LMAO...
How true!
:D

[CindyLouWho]

CHICKEN RECIPE

This recipe recently won the Tyson Chicken Cook-Off sponsored by
Ladies Home Journal!    Quick and easy and so delicious!


Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing - imagine that.  When I found this recipe, I thought it was
perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.  Give this a try.


BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN


6 - 7 Lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to
taste ................................

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.   Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt and pepper.  Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.  Place in
baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.  Listen for
the popping sounds.  When the chicken's butt (edited)  blows the oven door open
and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.


And you thought I couldn't cook...................

[CindyLouWho]

Finding a Good Paying Job in America


Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00a.m.

While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking,

he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea).

After cooking his breakfast in his electric skillet [made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying American job.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for awhile. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.

[flgal]

omgoodness i have started to read these over the last few days and i have never laughed so hard thank guys!