Homer's Laugh House

[DEBKARLAR]

2 guys was sitting at the bar on 30th floor of a skyscraper. The First guy says you know being up so high you can jump off the balcony and the wind currents will blow you back up here. The Second guy says your full it, if fact I'll wager $100 that if can't be done!! So the first guy puts down his drink walks over to the balcony take a good look down and Jump. OMG the second guy says as the first guy falls a good 20 floors. Then as he  predicted the first guy comes back up and land safely on the balcony.  The second guy totally amazed says WOW it does work. I have to try that so he hand the first guy $100 for losing the bet and precedes to jump. a few seconds later splat! he hits the sidewalk below. The bartender seeing all this, say Superman your mean when you drunk!

[badcrazygirl]

LOL

[Homer]

Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough. "The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court!" he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, "Hooray!"  :P

______________________________________________________
How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks?

Scroll down for answer. :P








Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.

[Homer]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".  :P >:D

[badcrazygirl]

LOL

[Homer]

Rugrats

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

[Dramarguy]

lol i like those ones ;D O0

[Super Duckie]

every gotta pick on the ducks ???, hehe

[Homer]

Categories of Farters
Antisocial Farter: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

Bruise Farter: One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.

Dishonest Farter: One who farts and then blames the dog or the kid.

Female (Dishonest) Farter: They let you think they don't fart until you marry them.

Lean Farter: One who has to lean to one side to let a fart out.

Honest Farter: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.

Sadistic Farter: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mate's head.

Strategic Farter: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.

Syllable Farter: One who only lets one puff at a time.

[Santa69]

Martha Stewart vs. Homer

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Homer's way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
Homer's way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
Homer's way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
Homer's way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
Homer's way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
Homer's way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
Homer's way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Homer's way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
Homer's way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.


Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Homer's way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way: Place a slice of apple unhardened brown sugar to soften it.
Homer's way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
Homer's way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
Homer's way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Homer's way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces
Homer's way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Homer's way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
Homer's way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Homer's way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

[Homer]

That about sums it up. :)

[Homer]

School Paper Blues -- Things Kids've Written Down

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

[Homer]

Why Why Why?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

[Santa69]

Mangled Manhood

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

Bush & Kerry's Haircut

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

The End of the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians. They start to spur their horse forward, when they realized that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize they were surrounded.

The Indians had spread out and they were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, 'Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed.'

'We?' replied Tonto. 'What's all this 'we' crap, Paleface?'

Two Blondes in a Fire

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire, and go out onto their balcony looking for help.

"Help, help!" yells one blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help, if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"

[Homer]

Product Warnings

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

[Homer]

Lesser Known Dog Breeds

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by . . . oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

[bigbear78]

Product Warnings

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

Add one to that....

"If swallowed get medical help or contact Poison Controll Center right away" -----Tube of toothpaste.

[bigbear78]

Bigger pic: http://www.cs.princeton.edu/~eschmidt/p/funny/america_world.gif

[Homer]

You mean there are other countries? ??? LOL j/k

[Homer]

Heel Rover, Heel

No foul language, but this is a religious joke--be warned.  >:D

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

_____________________________________________

The Real Man Test 

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control