Homer's Laugh House

[triniqueen27]

                                            YOU BE THE JUDGE



Wife is dreaming in the middle of the nite and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back.

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his ass, and then realizes:
"Damn, I am the husband!"

Who is guilty in this situation?

[Madonna]

OMG...welll.......they both are guilty of something, the wife obviously, and the husband for jumping out the window...lmaooooooooo. ;D

[justahumping]

BALLOON AND JOHNNY

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."   He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.  Johnny starts up with the balloon again.  He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge.   A diarrhea run.   She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.   When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.   Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!  She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.  Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!  The ballon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere.  On him, the walls, etc.

Doctor!  Doctor!  "Are you alright?" she asks.   
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

[Shady Lady]

OMG!! LMAO!!!

[Madonna]

I just spit Pepsi all over my monitor. Being a nurse, I've actualy seen worse than that, but that was just too funny...lmaooooo. ;D

[Jinx55]

Lordy that was too funny  :D

[ME4SPADES_]

lol that was great lol

[outlawdave]

heres a funny one

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby...

It was so far out, and there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.



The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

The little boy responded:
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again." 

[pogohatesme]

heres a funny one

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby...

It was so far out, and there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.



The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

The little boy responded:
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again." 

lol that's cute!!

[justahumping]

<SNIP>
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

lol, I like it, that was funny

[justahumping]

I just spit Pepsi all over my monitor. <SNIP>

sorry... lol  :-)

[wattsmyname]

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

LMAO :D

[Country Lady]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts. 

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

[pogohatesme]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts. 

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

Ok...maybe it's just me...but I think your missing something in there about them being chocolate covered peanuts and they suck the chocolate off.......... :o

[justahumping]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you had sex twice"!   >:D

[butch1286]

hahahaha

[pogohatesme]

Ok I know this is a bit long but I just read it on a message board and almost fell outta my bed laughing.....enjoy  O0


For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone --- don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...

I made a phone call the other day and a man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

He replied "Wrong number, a$$hole!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up, I decided to call the 'a$$hole' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and I hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up!

When Caller ID came to our area though, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!!"

So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I mashed the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I let you in on you something?"
"Yeah, what?"
"Don, you're an a$$hole!" Then I hung up, adding his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as much fun as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called a$$hole #1. "You're an a$$hole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, "What of it?"
"Stop calling me!!" he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you? " he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a$$hole, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole!", before I hung up.

Then I called a$$hole # 2: "Hello, a$$hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now!!"

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 6 news about the gang war going down on 34th Street.

I quickly got in my car and headed over to 34th Street. There I saw two furious a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a TV news crew.

Now I feel better..............

[Shady Lady]

Darn ... wish I had thought of that before caller ID. I know an "EX" ... well ummmm Ya know. >:D

[Madonna]

OMG...roflmaooooooooooo! That is just too rich. ;D

[Jinx55]

 DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA  ( This is a true story )

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
Found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
Shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top her
Voice," I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car..!!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
Like

Mad. The lady, some what shaken, then proceeded to load her bags into
The back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that
She could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and
Then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
Farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
Station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
Reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
Than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large
Handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one.