Homer's Laugh House

[Madonna]

Things I learnt sinz I ben in Alabama:

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the
air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Alabama.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama,
plus a couple no one's seen before.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

And let us never forget, it's not a garden hose or simply hose,
it's a "hosepipe" (one word).

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Mamanem means the whole family. ("Are mamanem comin?")

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and
then there's supper.

Backards and fards means I know everything about you. (Backwards
and forwards for the Northerners) Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat ?"

You know you're from Alabama if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same
day.

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one
in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a noun. Example: I am fixin'to go to the
store.

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both doors unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car .... for your OWN car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" is.

10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and
catsup. No genuine Alabamian ever called it "Catsup". Down here
it's "Ketchup"and let's not forget pepper sauce for the turnip greens!

11. The local papers cover national and international news on One
page but require 6 pages for sports.

12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national
holiday.

13. You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still
Summer, and Christmas.

15. You know whether another Alabamian is from east, west, or
middle Alabama as soon as they open their mouth.

16. Visiting Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "going to
town." (True anywhere you are from)

17. You describe the first cool snap (below 60 degrees) as good
Chili weather.

18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a
Coke,regardless of brand or flavor. Sample: "What kinna coke ya want?"


19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

[pogohatesme]

lol too cute

[babygurl424]

50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

Play with the automatic doors.

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.

While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap, anyway?"

Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!"

TP as much of the store as possible.

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as
spastic as possible.

Hold indoor shopping cart races.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Two words: "Marco Polo."

Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. (Sorry in advance Madonna  :)  )

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you
don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[ME4SPADES_]

om my that is very funny good one

[babygurl424]

i use to work there..and funny thing is some ppl actually tried some of those and i played along..LOL  tee hee  >:D

[ME4SPADES_]

i bet they did i use to work at one on the night shift and the things ppl do when they come in at night just to much men trying on woman stuff we just let them lol when no one was in there we would have fun to like them balls the big ones we would play and kick lol but not to much lol had fun there

[Mary]

very funny baby  O0

[butch1286]

I am going there tonight just to do those things! hahahahhahaha.

[babygurl424]

ty mama..and go ahead butch..its a hoot!!!  trust me   >:D   i may have worked there but it doesn't mean i haven't tried it..tee hee  :o

[triniqueen27]

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to all girls when they were little!


Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

~~~~~~~~

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat

~~~~~~~~

contemplating ecological issues

~~~~~~~~

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

~~~~~~~~

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

~~~~~~~~

and said: " Elegant Lady,

~~~~~~~~

I was once a handsome prince,

~~~~~~~~

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~



One kiss from you, however,

~~~~~~~~

and I will turn back

~~~~~~~~

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever  feel

~~~~~~~~
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't freakin think so.

[triniqueen27]

                                        WHO GROUNDED NOW

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done
his chores.
"Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't get any
breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one
of them.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow. So for a week, you aren't
getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"

[pogohatesme]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She  made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.  She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.  She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.   That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.  As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat  surprised when the snow plow stopped. The driver got out, came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The snow
plow driver wanted to know if she was alright, as she had been following for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver repliedthat it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart's  parking lot and was going over to McDonald's next.....

[Mary]

very funny pogo  ;D

[babygurl424]

                                        WHO GROUNDED NOW

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done
his chores.
"Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't get any
breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one
of them.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow. So for a week, you aren't
getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"

thats a good one trini..LOL

[sonic126]

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.


Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat
was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line.
He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "No."

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the  first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

[sonic126]

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven,
God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a
faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity,
Peyton." said God.

"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt
special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he
noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3 story mansion
with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flag pole with an enormous
Seahawks flag, and in every window a blue Towel.

Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but
I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I hold many NFL
records, and i even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said, "So what's your point Peyton?"
"Well, why does Matt Hasselbeck get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said, "Peyton, that's not Matt's house, it's mine."

[sonic126]

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, Mark decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up
to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll  inherit  20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Mark that evening, and three days later, she
became his stepmother.

[pogohatesme]

lol sonic those are all great

[sonic126]

Thanks Pogohatesme,

I was worried no one would like them.The last Joke I had to put up because I am from Seattle, but of course every one is free to substitute ther own favorite team/player and the punch line still works :)

[babygurl424]

yea...it SHOULD be Steelers  >:(


LOL..its ok..everyone has their opinion..funny joke though