Homer's Laugh House

[babygurl424]

lol...thats a good one!!!  :D

[pogohatesme]

Don't know if this one has been posted but just got it in my mailbox

A Guy walks into a bar ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly... "Soooo............... ya gonnna vote forr Bush againnn??

lol one of my friends sent me that too.....she also sent one that was the movie cover for Brokeback Mountain and it had GWB and Dick Cheny as the guys on the cover

[Brandon493]

 :D :D :D :D :D

[hades]

 ;D

[CindyLouWho]

Don't know if this one has been posted but just got it in my mailbox

A Guy walks into a bar ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly... "Soooo............... ya gonnna vote forr Bush againnn??

LOL Good one!   :D

[CindyLouWho]

A married couple, Dave and Mary, had not been out on a date in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mary was finishing the dinner dishes, Dave stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, Mary quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the night that Dave confessed...

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mary's feet on the kitchen floor.

[CindyLouWho]

"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman stated to their marriage counselor.

"He went twice."
===============================

Did you hear about the peanut that was walking down the street?

It was assaulted! (a-salted!)
==============================

What is a shin?   A device for finding furniture in the dark.
==============================

The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.
=============================

What is green and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender.
What happens when you add milk?
You get a frog nog!
=============================

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
=============================

[SaintHiρρo]

==============================

What is a shin?   A device for finding furniture in the dark.
==============================

The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.
=============================

I know from experience that these two are very correct!

[Tori]

Not sure whether to post this here or under "Recipes" lmao

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Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind. (tm))

[pogofreak]

Not really a joke so feel free to move it where you will.  However, everyone I've told this to has cracked up at my utter stupidity.  Um, if you copy it give me credit??  Enjoy!
:D
The Freak

Did you ever come to the realization that no matter how smart you are in some things, there will always be topics that make you go "Oh crap"? 

I managed to have one of those days today.  Now, I'd like to chalk this up to working too much and lack of sleep.  We all know that this isn't true, I'm really this dumb. 

For some reason, I've been on a major mashed potato kick as of late.  Thank goodness for instant potato buds!  Sadly, the last time I had made them, I had forgotten to buy more at the store.  What to do?  Of course this is also the time of the week when I am flat broke so running to the store was out of the question.  But hey, I have regular potatoes!  We'll just whip these babies up and go to town right?

Here in lies a slight problem.  I'm not really that much of a cook.  Heck, I have a hard time boiling water (the last time I did I managed to catch the stove on fire).  This is why I adore the instant mashed potatoes, you nuke and run.  I'm scrubbing away at the poor little spuds when I come to my first realization, I don't have a potato smasher.  I contemplated using the blender but decided to just let the idea go for the night. 

A couple of days later at work I was talking with my coworkers about cooking.  I mentioned the fact that I didn't have a masher and was at a loss as to what would whip the potatoes up.  My coworker pointed me to my mixer saying that's what she always used.  I think about this for a second and then ask her if she has one of those industrial mixers.  She says no, why?  Well, I ask, wouldn't it break the beaters? 

I'll give those of you who actually cook a second to stop laughing. 

At this time, both coworkers look at me like "She can't be serious can she?"  Finally the first one asks "Freak, you do know you cook the potatoes first, right?"  Here in lies the second realization, I truly am a moron when it comes to cooking.  Obviously this made the office rounds with in moments and well, at least everyone got a great laugh. 

Hopefully you all were amused by this little story.  Even my friends who don't cook either were cracking up over my good fortune.  Now, if you don't mind, I have some potatoes to eat.  Don't worry, these are the type that are already done.  God bless Country Crock!! 

[Homer]

LMAO! After your potatoes are cooked a fork will work. Especially if you like them lumpy like I do.

[nightperson]

lol ok here is a good one me and a friend went to college to start class so we got the app and went home fill them out and 2 day later i told her i was getting mine filled out she said ok she was going to finish hers to bout 3 hrs later she calls and said ok i have a question to ask i said ok she said im done and where it said visa i put down sry i have a mastercard no visa ok i had to really not laughing on the phone then she say where it was i an alien i put no im from Texas at this point i said let me call you back i was rolling on the floor but i didnt want her to know this so i called her back and explian to her what they was she was 3o she has me why i had to get off the phone i told her a lie i had to let the dog back in lol but i never told her i laugh so hard i was crying

[pogofreak]

lol ok here is a good one me and a friend went to college to start class so we got the app and went home fill them out and 2 day later i told her i was getting mine filled out she said ok she was going to finish hers to bout 3 hrs later she calls and said ok i have a question to ask i said ok she said im done and where it said visa i put down sry i have a mastercard no visa ok i had to really not laughing on the phone then she say where it was i an alien i put no im from Texas at this point i said let me call you back i was rolling on the floor but i didnt want her to know this so i called her back and explian to her what they was she was 3o she has me why i had to get off the phone i told her a lie i had to let the dog back in lol but i never told her i laugh so hard i was crying

Man, that sounds like something I would do!  I actually very smart in some things but in others, well, I'm a moron.  Take the whole Cheney shooting thing.  I couldn't figure out what he had against Dan.  See I saw the headline Cheney was shooting at Quail.  I probably should have read it closer eh? 

:o

[nightperson]

i guess it is how you read it but hers was in good way she didnt think but then she is a good friend we laugh bout it know

[Jinx55]

Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever.........


I thought this one was pretty funny and I don't usually appreciate blond jokes.


A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get
it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread allover
the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box,
then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he
sighed,......................


.......................

......................


Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

[macktami95]

omg that was too funny nice one

[Madonna]

I'm blond (peroxide) and I found it hysterically funny. :D

[foxx]

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are
flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles,
and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the
window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could
throw ten $100 bills out the window and make 10
people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of
course, then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the
window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,
"Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could
throw the three of them out the window and make
56 million people really happy."

[Jinx55]

Excellent ,foxx, thanks for the laugh :D

[babygurl424]

good one foxx  ;)