Homer's Laugh House

[Shady Lady]

OMG someone pick me up off the floor!

Reminds me of one time my son decided to cook ... he had frozen hamburgers for dinner. They were really brown on the outside and frozen on the inside.

Not really a joke so feel free to move it where you will.  However, everyone I've told this to has cracked up at my utter stupidity.  Um, if you copy it give me credit??  Enjoy!
:D
The Freak

Did you ever come to the realization that no matter how smart you are in some things, there will always be topics that make you go "Oh crap"? 

I managed to have one of those days today.  Now, I'd like to chalk this up to working too much and lack of sleep.  We all know that this isn't true, I'm really this dumb. 

For some reason, I've been on a major mashed potato kick as of late.  Thank goodness for instant potato buds!  Sadly, the last time I had made them, I had forgotten to buy more at the store.  What to do?  Of course this is also the time of the week when I am flat broke so running to the store was out of the question.  But hey, I have regular potatoes!  We'll just whip these babies up and go to town right?

Here in lies a slight problem.  I'm not really that much of a cook.  Heck, I have a hard time boiling water (the last time I did I managed to catch the stove on fire).  This is why I adore the instant mashed potatoes, you nuke and run.  I'm scrubbing away at the poor little spuds when I come to my first realization, I don't have a potato smasher.  I contemplated using the blender but decided to just let the idea go for the night. 

A couple of days later at work I was talking with my coworkers about cooking.  I mentioned the fact that I didn't have a masher and was at a loss as to what would whip the potatoes up.  My coworker pointed me to my mixer saying that's what she always used.  I think about this for a second and then ask her if she has one of those industrial mixers.  She says no, why?  Well, I ask, wouldn't it break the beaters? 

I'll give those of you who actually cook a second to stop laughing. 

At this time, both coworkers look at me like "She can't be serious can she?"  Finally the first one asks "Freak, you do know you cook the potatoes first, right?"  Here in lies the second realization, I truly am a moron when it comes to cooking.  Obviously this made the office rounds with in moments and well, at least everyone got a great laugh. 

Hopefully you all were amused by this little story.  Even my friends who don't cook either were cracking up over my good fortune.  Now, if you don't mind, I have some potatoes to eat.  Don't worry, these are the type that are already done.  God bless Country Crock!! 

[babygurl424]

well, i have one that might beat that one..my fiance put a chicken on the rotisserie (sorry if thats spelled wrong) and let it go to cookin.  well, about an hour into it cooking (which should've been half way, if not more than that, done) i went and checked on it...dumb cracker forgot to take in inners out and the chickens neck was stickin out its butt just turnin and flipping away (yes, imagine the sight if you will).  i was laughing so hard at him i was crying!!!!  i still to this day get him for it..tee hee!!!

[SI]

Just a friendly warning: be sure that you are seated & NOT consuming food or beverage while reading this.  I cannot be held responsible for any keyboards/mice/monitors ruined due to uncontrollable laughter  :))

Also, it gets a little *mature* as it goes on.  I've edited the text, but you can still infer the meaning:

CHILI COOK-OFF NOTE:
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the score cards from the event:

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy s***, what the h*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

CHILI #2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all the beer

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. wench is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p***** me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. S**** those rednecks!

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that wench Sally. She must be kinkier than I  thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my a** with a snow cone!

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a d*** thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my d*** shirt.  At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. S**** it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

[foxx]

lol...that was cute....guess we yanks don't really know what spicy means!

[nightperson]

oh my that was goos and thanks for the warning before :)) reading it

[SI]

Here's another of my fave's.  Same warning as before ;D

The Disastrous Handyman's Job

Calling in sick to work made me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sensed that my boss thought I was lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

Disaster struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't a hexed garbage disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our playful new little kitten, happily clawing at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner of the counter, and had stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now, when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.

Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could have calmly stood up with his privates supporting the weight of a clutching kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Both men and animals are sometimes faced with an emergency "fight or flight" situation. Men, in this predicament, can choose only the "flight" option.

"Fleeing" straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed, and jumps. It was a dismal irony. Whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk, or talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?", they asked.

If they had only known.

[foxx]

 :))


k...that one got me....


:))

[nightperson]

omg :)) :)) :)) :)) that was a good one ok what happen to kitty for all the trouble she/he cause lol poor kitty just want to play with it lol

[SI]

Having seen a few beer-related conversations, I figure this one would be appreciated:

Beer Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to telephone him/her at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the h*** happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without drooling.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)!

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

[wattsmyname]

The Disastrous Handyman's Job

I love it  :))

[babygurl424]

OMG dj!!  those jokes were freakin HYSTERICAL!!!   :))   :))   :))

[Jinx55]

OMG dj!!  those jokes were freakin HYSTERICAL!!!   :))   :))   :))

Wow dj got to agree with babygurl , especially the alcohol, piece  :)) :))

[SI]

Thanks all  ;D.  Glad you like 'em O0

Having been on the 'Net for going on thirteen years now, you tend to accumulate some interesting material...  Here's another great one.  Same cautions as before apply lol.

Oh, and this was sent to me from one of the Dean's at the college I work for (my bosses' bosses' boss).  I was shocked :o  Hope you enjoy it!



*****The Gift*****

Paul is a fellow Air Force Retiree that worked for a while as a technical writer for the Boeing Helicopter division at Falcon Field here in Mesa, Arizona after retiring from the AF.

I figured he wrote dull, boring, old directives of a technical nature on how to properly install a spare part on an Apache Helicopter. Never did I dream that he was such a terrific writer as witnessed by the following account that I assume was taken from a true-life experience. I found it so funny and well written that I had to share it with all of you.

**********************************************************************

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Sandy. The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and took it home. I loaded two triple AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. However, I learned that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. Awesome!!! I have yet to explain to Sandy what caused the burn spots on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, our cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second, but then thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sandy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that; a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on the floor on my side in the fetal position, pecs on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're muscles contract and you are not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. ) SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both pecs were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip felt like it weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles?  I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

Still in shock, Paul

[babygurl424]

hahaha!!!  my brother is a security guard and has a taser gun..shocked the s**t outta one of his friends with and he felt the same way..lol   :))

[triniqueen27]

   TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:   

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk .
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:

1.Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

[Bree]

An elderly couple were sitting in church one Sunday when she leaned over
to her husband and whispered, I just let out a "silent toot," what should I do?

He replied, " GET NEW BATTERIES FOR YOUR HEARING AID!!!"    :)) :)) :)) :))  :))

[Jinx55]

Good one Bree  :))  :))  :))  :))

[babygurl424]

trini and bree those were good ones!!!   :))   :))   :))   :))   :)) 

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) :)) this smiley was made for that one

[Bree]

Thank you Jinx and Babygurl......and Night I think you are right I love the new smiley that laughs.... :)) :)) :))